so I've been NOT studying for stats all day. I know. I'm horrible, irresponsible, and way lazy. I've done pretty much everything but study (okay maybe that's an exaggeration, but enough to illustrate how I'm not motivated to study for my 9am exam tomorrow). I went shopping for things the house is in need of (because I did a round of filling containers to the brim and emptying out boxes in the kitchen yesterday), then I watched Gossip Girl, then I made food (by the way, spent 2 hours slow cooking chicken wings in the toaster oven. Definitely not the most effective way to make chicken wings, also I clearly didn't make enough because waiting that long for that little food was NOT satisfying), and then I decided to look over my "review notes" that I made yesterday. But getting to the point, my last distraction was putting on music and my favourite part, DANCING TO IT!! =)
So I was listening to Dirty Shoes by Tim Be Told (a band that found me on MySpace). I was very impressed by the music that they had posted on their webpage, so I went as far as ordering their CD online (WHICH I NEVER DO, BTW) . So anyway, that song was playing, and not only are the lyrics amazing, the beat is so catchy. I started dancing by myself in the limited space between my bed and the door and the desk. And it made me think about how I miss dance, and I wondered about making a dance for ACF Spring Coffeehouse, but that's just a thought... that's never been made concrete in the least bit. Point of this point: I wanted to talk about how I really like Tim Be Told's music. Originally, I just thought it was a very decent band that did not swear, which makes me happy, but then listening more carefully to the lyrics, I realized the mention "God" "Lord" and they have a song called The Hymn (O What Mercy) which is basically about Jesus dying on the cross (and that is also an amazing song, btw). So anyway. I like their music, and I finally realized that they ARE Christian because I read the "Thank You" part of the CD (which took me a while to find, because it was behind the CD instead of in the usual spot of somewhere in the booklet. I'm just dumb and slow today haha.
Oh yea, random side happening of today: I bought Jello Rice Pudding, to give it a shot. And it is NASTY. But not only that, I have 5 containers of it left -_-" (okay maybe "container" is the wrong word, because it sounds like a big jar or something, but you know.. what I mean.. I hope). But yea, point of this random blurb? I somehow managed to cut my left palm with one of the containers. I mean HOW ON EARTH? haha.. o_O
I should go study -_-"
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
tick tick tock
God works in everything.
Wasn't able to sleep last night, so didn't sleep til late. That means I didn't wake up til late. So I decided I wasn't going to go to class. So I do my "morning" routine, made food and sat down by the computer to check my email. Guess what?! The class I had decided to skip, was cancelled =)
Yay, for not rushing to campus to try not to be late for a class that wouldn't be happening.
That's all for now.
Wasn't able to sleep last night, so didn't sleep til late. That means I didn't wake up til late. So I decided I wasn't going to go to class. So I do my "morning" routine, made food and sat down by the computer to check my email. Guess what?! The class I had decided to skip, was cancelled =)
Yay, for not rushing to campus to try not to be late for a class that wouldn't be happening.
That's all for now.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
everyday when you're walking down the street
So in high school, doing something different got you respect. In university, you would think that that trend would continue onwards, perhaps to a higher level. However, it seems as if conformity of sorts is the way to go. That is the way to get established, to get recognized, to get things done.and here I go making comparisons. but I don't think I'm actually comparing myself to others right now. I'm just making an observation. That's all.
Realization #1: You are your own person. You make your own dreams, you set your own goals, you live your own life. What you do cannot be compared to what somebody else's achievements. They've led a different life from your own, they've gone down a different path, met different people along the way, crossed different obstacles that you may have only heard of. University is like the cantina scene in Star Wars: it's just a common place that travelers of the galaxy meet up and stay temporarily, exchanging stories, getting into conflicts, adding a little more experience to life.
Realization #1: You are your own person. You make your own dreams, you set your own goals, you live your own life. What you do cannot be compared to what somebody else's achievements. They've led a different life from your own, they've gone down a different path, met different people along the way, crossed different obstacles that you may have only heard of. University is like the cantina scene in Star Wars: it's just a common place that travelers of the galaxy meet up and stay temporarily, exchanging stories, getting into conflicts, adding a little more experience to life.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
the music of my heart
so this weekend I have re-kindled my love for country music, or taylor swift in specific.
i like how relatable her songs are, even when she's angry, even when she's sad, and especially when she's happy, she's all about praising God and thanking Him for what He's given her. Also, she's really pretty and her songs are very sing-a-long-able =P
Albums:
Taylor Swift: Fearless
Carrie Underwood: Some Hearts, Carnival Ride
Katy Perry: One of the Boys
Lenka: Lenka
Artists of Interest:
Tim Be Told
The PotBellies
i like how relatable her songs are, even when she's angry, even when she's sad, and especially when she's happy, she's all about praising God and thanking Him for what He's given her. Also, she's really pretty and her songs are very sing-a-long-able =P
Albums:
Taylor Swift: Fearless
Carrie Underwood: Some Hearts, Carnival Ride
Katy Perry: One of the Boys
Lenka: Lenka
Artists of Interest:
Tim Be Told
The PotBellies
Friday, September 26, 2008
and the winner is...
so i've re-read some of my blog entries from first year.
I realize that I was a much stronger person then. I was much more sure of myself, I knew what was right and I stuck to it. I knew what I had to do, I knew what I was unsure about, and I didn't rush into things. Two years later, I become easily swayed by people's opinions, I care too much about what people think, and trying too hard to compromise and take other people into consideration. Some people may call this development. I think I'm taking an unnecessary detour that I had foreseen years ago and was smart enough to avoid.
People tell me I should think things through. So I do. They also tell me I should seek other's opinion, to get an outside perspective. So I do that too. But usually, they conflict. So they tell me to talk to God and pray about it. So I do that too, but by this time I'm so frustrated and confused, I'm not really listening. So I end up going with what people say, because it's bluntly stated. I come back bruised and they tell me "It's really between you and God. Don't listen to what other people have to say. It's really up to you." So why am I having this conversation with you? I'd rather just dig myself a hole. Gets rid of the frustration, and takes me away from everyone.
this is the reason why I had no friends to begin with. the whole vulnerability factor. i tell certain people it's important, it's vital; and here I am complaining about it. opening myself up for the world to see, meant putting my life in their hands. I know it's not supposed to work that way, but that's what happens when I do that. I need to put my life on hold, just long enough to get back on track.
it's so hard to be anti-social when you have too many friends.
I realize that I was a much stronger person then. I was much more sure of myself, I knew what was right and I stuck to it. I knew what I had to do, I knew what I was unsure about, and I didn't rush into things. Two years later, I become easily swayed by people's opinions, I care too much about what people think, and trying too hard to compromise and take other people into consideration. Some people may call this development. I think I'm taking an unnecessary detour that I had foreseen years ago and was smart enough to avoid.
People tell me I should think things through. So I do. They also tell me I should seek other's opinion, to get an outside perspective. So I do that too. But usually, they conflict. So they tell me to talk to God and pray about it. So I do that too, but by this time I'm so frustrated and confused, I'm not really listening. So I end up going with what people say, because it's bluntly stated. I come back bruised and they tell me "It's really between you and God. Don't listen to what other people have to say. It's really up to you." So why am I having this conversation with you? I'd rather just dig myself a hole. Gets rid of the frustration, and takes me away from everyone.
this is the reason why I had no friends to begin with. the whole vulnerability factor. i tell certain people it's important, it's vital; and here I am complaining about it. opening myself up for the world to see, meant putting my life in their hands. I know it's not supposed to work that way, but that's what happens when I do that. I need to put my life on hold, just long enough to get back on track.
it's so hard to be anti-social when you have too many friends.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
bet you can't guess where I used to work
So I was sitting in Soc2205a today, and realized that I'm not the slowest person in the world. albeit, I do have my blonde moments, my Alzheimer moments, and not to mention my Loey moments. I didn't think it could get worse. But, alas, there are times where I am mistaken. Take, for example, the middle section of the classroom. The professor is explaining how to find the mean based on the information given by a simple chart.
Example 2:
The professor is writing out a formula to figure out the refined mean of the information presented in the data. He explains every single part of the equation (what symbols mean, and where you can find them in the chart), and yet this conversation occurs:
So I leave you with this funny quote from my absolutely hilarious, and yet patient, statistics professor:
Girl: "I don't understand. Where did you get '20' from?"Honestly? He just told you...
Prof: - Right here, in the frequency column.
Girl: "I know, but there are 4 rows, how do you know which number to take?"
Prof: - You're looking for how many people got a B on their physics exam, which falls under this column *points to B column* and so now you look at the frequency column, and it says '20'."
Girl: "Okay... but how do you know it's 20 and not another number?"
Example 2:
The professor is writing out a formula to figure out the refined mean of the information presented in the data. He explains every single part of the equation (what symbols mean, and where you can find them in the chart), and yet this conversation occurs:
Girl: "What does 'L' mean?"Pretty straight forward, right? Wrong! That conversation was followed up by this one:
Prof: - Lower exact limit
Girl: "In the text book it says 'LEL', is that the same thing?"
Prof: - Don't use the formulas given in the textbook, they overcomplicate things by given abbreviations that have more than one letter, which if you plug into a formula look like you're supposed to multiply them, when there is only one number for that symbol. And every year, there are some students who try to multiple the letters together and get the wrong answer, because it doesn't exist.
Girl: "Okay."
Prof: - I'm giving you the simplest way to write the equation so that there is the elast amount of confusion as possible.
Girl: "But the textbook says..."
Prof: - Forget what the textbook says. You have to do it exactly the way I told you to, or else you're going to screw up.
Prof: - You look like you don't believe me. I'm telling you the same thing I've been telling you for the past hour and a half.What?! Seriously. I thought I was retardedly slow and stupid and didn't have a filter on things that came out of my mouth. But I guess I've been proven wrong again. And this time it feels so good =P
Girl: "No. I believe you. I don't doubt that I understand what you're saying, but I'm not sure if I understand what I'm thinking."
Prof: - ...
So I leave you with this funny quote from my absolutely hilarious, and yet patient, statistics professor:
"In order to find the median... we have to turn off the lights."
- Professor Marshall, Soc 2205a
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
love takes time
so the dullness of law class led me to decide to visit ljsecrets.
i went through 4 issues and could relate only to one single secret - and that was a Christian one.
i take it as a step forward. no longer being able to relate to emo secrets, being able to be free from that. it's like flying :)
i went through 4 issues and could relate only to one single secret - and that was a Christian one.
i take it as a step forward. no longer being able to relate to emo secrets, being able to be free from that. it's like flying :)
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
oops. i forgot.
so today there was an extrication demonstration on concrete beach.
i forgot about it, but was reminded when i saw the fire truck turning onto western from sarnia while i sat on the bus. and i thought, "crap. my camera."
it was a pretty cool demonstration to watch. really would have topped it off if i had captured it for future enjoyment. it was cool. i almost got glass flying into me. haha. okay not THAT cool, but front row view. it was pretty sweet.
that is all.
i forgot about it, but was reminded when i saw the fire truck turning onto western from sarnia while i sat on the bus. and i thought, "crap. my camera."
it was a pretty cool demonstration to watch. really would have topped it off if i had captured it for future enjoyment. it was cool. i almost got glass flying into me. haha. okay not THAT cool, but front row view. it was pretty sweet.
that is all.
Monday, September 08, 2008
one last time to say, "i love you"
people change.
that's a theme that's been popping up a lot recently.
whether it be relationships with people you haven't seen in a long time, people you haven't seen for a short while, or people you see almost every day.
people are bound to change.
it is inevitable.
there are several relationships that i can think of that have change a lot recently.
one with someone who you consider to be a good friend.
one with someone who people thought i got along with really well and talked a lot with.
one with someone who i looked up to and felt really comfortable with.
the first:
there was a period of time where communication felt one-sided. where one seemed less willing to talk, less willing to open up. a one-way street of sorts. several months later, the issue has been addressed. final status: still under observation.
the second:
it has been ongoing for almost a year now. not much has been said about it. i dont think the issue has been addressed at all. everything is pushed aside to be dealt with later. there is no status report.
(edit)
status report: communication established. although little, the step has been taking. things are not as bad as i made them originally.
the third:
not particularly a negative change. just a slowing down, a little less frequent, sort of lack of communication. should strive for continuous communication.
that's a theme that's been popping up a lot recently.
whether it be relationships with people you haven't seen in a long time, people you haven't seen for a short while, or people you see almost every day.
people are bound to change.
it is inevitable.
there are several relationships that i can think of that have change a lot recently.
one with someone who you consider to be a good friend.
one with someone who people thought i got along with really well and talked a lot with.
one with someone who i looked up to and felt really comfortable with.
the first:
there was a period of time where communication felt one-sided. where one seemed less willing to talk, less willing to open up. a one-way street of sorts. several months later, the issue has been addressed. final status: still under observation.
the second:
it has been ongoing for almost a year now. not much has been said about it. i dont think the issue has been addressed at all. everything is pushed aside to be dealt with later. there is no status report.
(edit)
status report: communication established. although little, the step has been taking. things are not as bad as i made them originally.
the third:
not particularly a negative change. just a slowing down, a little less frequent, sort of lack of communication. should strive for continuous communication.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Why, oh, why didn't I take the blue pill?
i watched the matrix today.
Enoch's post reminded me of the dreaming that is mentioned in the film. it talks about "being set free into the real world" and that it really isn't as glamorous as the world that we have become submerged in. we accept the world that the matrix has woven around us because we are ignorant, because we are not ready to be set free. but once you are set free, they something like "after the mind has reached a certain age, you cannot turn back. it is too dangerous". again, what does this have to do with anything? The Oracle tells Neo something (and it contradicts what The Oracle has told everybody else, or so it seems at the moment in time), but later it is explained "The Oracle told you what you needed to hear." Basically, you have a choice. Whose life are you going to sacrifice? Yours or his? However in our case, that choice has already been. A life has already been sacrificed and it is not ours. So our choice becomes: What are you going to do with that freedom?
Hopefully that actually makes sense. Cuz it did when I was typing but after I finished typing, I wasn't so sure it was accurate.
Enoch's post reminded me of the dreaming that is mentioned in the film. it talks about "being set free into the real world" and that it really isn't as glamorous as the world that we have become submerged in. we accept the world that the matrix has woven around us because we are ignorant, because we are not ready to be set free. but once you are set free, they something like "after the mind has reached a certain age, you cannot turn back. it is too dangerous". again, what does this have to do with anything? The Oracle tells Neo something (and it contradicts what The Oracle has told everybody else, or so it seems at the moment in time), but later it is explained "The Oracle told you what you needed to hear." Basically, you have a choice. Whose life are you going to sacrifice? Yours or his? However in our case, that choice has already been. A life has already been sacrificed and it is not ours. So our choice becomes: What are you going to do with that freedom?
Hopefully that actually makes sense. Cuz it did when I was typing but after I finished typing, I wasn't so sure it was accurate.
Friday, July 11, 2008
lemming suicides
why don't i just absentmindedly run of a cliff and make the world a slightly less whiny and mis-prioritized place.
"forget about this whole job thing. a job isn't the most important thing in the world. there are so many other things in life." more words of encouragement in the growing frustration of sucking at life.
it's been 2 months still school has been out. a month since i quit the mandarin. i enjoy not working 12 hour shifts anymore, but i'm getting bored at home not doing anything. i'm also not keeping up with the whole "work out everyday" thing i said i was going to do. point 1: i don't keep commitments to myself.
so everybody is hiring in sauga. maybe i should come back here. get a job for sure. but honestly, what if i didn't. that would kill me even more. points 2 and 3: i rejected coming back to a place where the market is a lot wider, and hypothetically speaking (like with everything else) rejection from an even bigger market would suck that much more.
but even more honestly. i hate being here. sauga is no longer a place i call home. maybe my house here, but only during the day time. once it is time to sleep, i would really much rather be sleeping in london. summit is my home. every moment i spend knowing that i won't be sleeping in my bed in the basement room, i cry a little inside. everytime i leave london, even for a weekend, it takes me hours to prepare myself mentally on the day of before i can leave. and if i don't i push back tears as i leave on the 401. point 4: I don't think I've ever felt a real sense of belonging until I moved into house 8, and it hurts me to be away from it.
i am a big loser.
i cry about things that don't really matter. i stress over jobs that shouldn't hold that great of a place in my heart. the one job i really wanted, the one i know i would have enjoyed, i have been denied. fine God. i accept. i'm trying to move on. i hold "having a job" too high in my priorities. i need to let that go. point 5: i have it all wrong. i don't know what i want.
point 6: i need to know what i want. i need to know what i enjoy. i need to get something out of life. i need to know what God wants of me. i need to know myself. i need to stop needing.
"forget about this whole job thing. a job isn't the most important thing in the world. there are so many other things in life." more words of encouragement in the growing frustration of sucking at life.
it's been 2 months still school has been out. a month since i quit the mandarin. i enjoy not working 12 hour shifts anymore, but i'm getting bored at home not doing anything. i'm also not keeping up with the whole "work out everyday" thing i said i was going to do. point 1: i don't keep commitments to myself.
so everybody is hiring in sauga. maybe i should come back here. get a job for sure. but honestly, what if i didn't. that would kill me even more. points 2 and 3: i rejected coming back to a place where the market is a lot wider, and hypothetically speaking (like with everything else) rejection from an even bigger market would suck that much more.
but even more honestly. i hate being here. sauga is no longer a place i call home. maybe my house here, but only during the day time. once it is time to sleep, i would really much rather be sleeping in london. summit is my home. every moment i spend knowing that i won't be sleeping in my bed in the basement room, i cry a little inside. everytime i leave london, even for a weekend, it takes me hours to prepare myself mentally on the day of before i can leave. and if i don't i push back tears as i leave on the 401. point 4: I don't think I've ever felt a real sense of belonging until I moved into house 8, and it hurts me to be away from it.
i am a big loser.
i cry about things that don't really matter. i stress over jobs that shouldn't hold that great of a place in my heart. the one job i really wanted, the one i know i would have enjoyed, i have been denied. fine God. i accept. i'm trying to move on. i hold "having a job" too high in my priorities. i need to let that go. point 5: i have it all wrong. i don't know what i want.
point 6: i need to know what i want. i need to know what i enjoy. i need to get something out of life. i need to know what God wants of me. i need to know myself. i need to stop needing.
mood swings
in the midst of a very expensive japanese/thai dinner,
i am hit with an overwhelming sense of
failure.
being aware of what people my age have accomplished
(people I actually know, not those people you hear about on the news)
i really am
unaccomplished.
back in high school, applying for scholarships, everyone thought i'd have no problem
sure my marks weren't as high as some people's, but i had extra curriculars.
but too be honest, i really didn't accomplish anything.
sure i did a lot of activities, but i rarely headed up anything.
didn't have real teacher contacts, just friendlies.
didn't accomplish much outside the school.
didn't have connections in the community.
didn't get any scholarships.
now im just stuck in a negative rut.
i think it's the fact that i've been applying for jobs since december and i haven't made much progress.
rejection after rejection.
better get used to it.
signed with OMMI today, the agent told me to get used to rejection. better be able to take it.
i can take it. it's just really frustrating and hard on the heart.
i know i should be happy, but...
i don't know.
i guess this calls for more reflection time.
dang. i really wanted that archaeology job.
i am hit with an overwhelming sense of
failure.
being aware of what people my age have accomplished
(people I actually know, not those people you hear about on the news)
i really am
unaccomplished.
back in high school, applying for scholarships, everyone thought i'd have no problem
sure my marks weren't as high as some people's, but i had extra curriculars.
but too be honest, i really didn't accomplish anything.
sure i did a lot of activities, but i rarely headed up anything.
didn't have real teacher contacts, just friendlies.
didn't accomplish much outside the school.
didn't have connections in the community.
didn't get any scholarships.
now im just stuck in a negative rut.
i think it's the fact that i've been applying for jobs since december and i haven't made much progress.
rejection after rejection.
better get used to it.
signed with OMMI today, the agent told me to get used to rejection. better be able to take it.
i can take it. it's just really frustrating and hard on the heart.
i know i should be happy, but...
i don't know.
i guess this calls for more reflection time.
dang. i really wanted that archaeology job.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Memories: "Everything"
so I was blowing dry my hair when I caught a glimpse of the note my friend wrote me in regards to the skit we put on for ACF Fall Coffeehouse 2007. I felt that I should watch the video again. So I did.
Watching the skit, I realized that I had forgotten the power of redemption. I had forgotten that even though there are a million and one ways to screw up, God still loves you and Jesus has paid your debt. I had forgotten that we are forgiven for all the ways we've wronged God and for all the sins we have yet to commit. I had forgotten about the glory of God that showers light over His kingdom. Instead, I hid in a corner in shame.
I tried to blend into the crowd, tried to get passed off as another child of the Light. I tried to keep "doing" to re-convince myself, you know, "fake it 'til you make it". I was hoping that going through the motions would remind me of the ways things should be. Then I realized I was being a complete idiot. I need God to help me through the things I can't do. I can't do it all by myself. It's just not possible.
When we let go and let God do what He does, great things happen. When I stressed over making sure the skit went well, I got frustrated, and people got frustrated at me. I turned into a giant prick, and rehearsals were not fun times. When I let go and trusted that God would touch the people He planned to touch at coffeehouse despite the quality of our performance, mountains moved. "Skeptics" who had seen the skit plenty of times came up to us after the performance and said that they had been more moved than the first time they saw the skit.
Another moment of "letting go" was trying to make sure that I did not compare the HYPE's performance of the Everything skit to the one we had performed earlier in the school year. Once again, God revealed Himself.
... now if only I could let go in regards to finding a job -_-"
Watching the skit, I realized that I had forgotten the power of redemption. I had forgotten that even though there are a million and one ways to screw up, God still loves you and Jesus has paid your debt. I had forgotten that we are forgiven for all the ways we've wronged God and for all the sins we have yet to commit. I had forgotten about the glory of God that showers light over His kingdom. Instead, I hid in a corner in shame.
I tried to blend into the crowd, tried to get passed off as another child of the Light. I tried to keep "doing" to re-convince myself, you know, "fake it 'til you make it". I was hoping that going through the motions would remind me of the ways things should be. Then I realized I was being a complete idiot. I need God to help me through the things I can't do. I can't do it all by myself. It's just not possible.
When we let go and let God do what He does, great things happen. When I stressed over making sure the skit went well, I got frustrated, and people got frustrated at me. I turned into a giant prick, and rehearsals were not fun times. When I let go and trusted that God would touch the people He planned to touch at coffeehouse despite the quality of our performance, mountains moved. "Skeptics" who had seen the skit plenty of times came up to us after the performance and said that they had been more moved than the first time they saw the skit.
Another moment of "letting go" was trying to make sure that I did not compare the HYPE's performance of the Everything skit to the one we had performed earlier in the school year. Once again, God revealed Himself.
... now if only I could let go in regards to finding a job -_-"
Saturday, June 21, 2008
"We are your legacy"
So I had this original thought in the car after my grandfather's funeral. Then I was reminded of it after reading Enoch's blog. Basically, "what I do goes beyond my own existence". First, I thought about how we (my family and all the people whose lives my grandfather has ever touched), are the vessels in which my grandfather's memory will continue to live. At first, that was a totally secular thought related only to my grandfather. Then I realized, in that same sense, that is how Jesus continues to be known on Earth.
It's been more than 2000 years and people are still talking about Jesus. Whether it's because of the ridiculously mind-boggling events we call miracles that he performed, or the loving affection he showed to the Untouchables, the reason why we know about him is because people talked about it. They even wrote about it! Of course, we shouldn't all expect to go down in the books of history, but we should at least try to establish some sort of legacy, or continue someone elses.
...
Wow, that post definitely downgraded from it's original intent. Gotta work on my goldfish attention span.
It's been more than 2000 years and people are still talking about Jesus. Whether it's because of the ridiculously mind-boggling events we call miracles that he performed, or the loving affection he showed to the Untouchables, the reason why we know about him is because people talked about it. They even wrote about it! Of course, we shouldn't all expect to go down in the books of history, but we should at least try to establish some sort of legacy, or continue someone elses.
...
Wow, that post definitely downgraded from it's original intent. Gotta work on my goldfish attention span.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
12:34!
so random thought.
i want to go to a wedding. of a friend. of somebody i actually know.
not just "family friends" or "parents' friends" or family i haven't seen in a long time/don't really know
i want to celebrate the "happiest day of [somebody who I actually talk to]'s life".
not to mention my own, but that day can wait :)
just a thought.
i want to go to a wedding. of a friend. of somebody i actually know.
not just "family friends" or "parents' friends" or family i haven't seen in a long time/don't really know
i want to celebrate the "happiest day of [somebody who I actually talk to]'s life".
not to mention my own, but that day can wait :)
just a thought.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
RIP Kong Kong
You lived a full life.
Done many more things than we could ever imagine.
You've left a legacy of children and grandchildren.
I'll always remember your jellyfish story.
I pray to God that you once met Him
and that you're going to meet Him now.
I love you
Done many more things than we could ever imagine.
You've left a legacy of children and grandchildren.
I'll always remember your jellyfish story.
I pray to God that you once met Him
and that you're going to meet Him now.
I love you
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Memories: Instant Conversations
So I was reading over some msn conversations I had saved.
There were some pretty funny moments, guess who said what:
How did it change so drastically, so suddenly?
It almost seems retarded to ask, "Is it worth trying to reconciliate?"
There were some pretty funny moments, guess who said what:
And then there were several conversations with someone I haven't spoken to in forever. He asked me "How are you doing spiritually?" I remember when I first read it in the conversation, I thought "woah! did YOU just ask me that? of all people!" I was impressed about his turn around. But for some reason, we haven't spoken since a few days before our baptism. Why is it that things have changed so drastically? We both stopped trying? It feels too awkward for me to try now. I'm afraid that if I try it will seem like a desperate attempt to reconciliate. But why is that such a bad thing? At least this reconciliation won't be like the last attempt to "reconciliate" -_-"
1. "This 3.14159mp NEEDS SLEEP"
2. "you just make me feel good about myself"
3. Me: How are we going to get to Gavin's house? __:"I'll carry you"
How did it change so drastically, so suddenly?
It almost seems retarded to ask, "Is it worth trying to reconciliate?"
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Memories: A Review in Progress
so I'm watching the ACF Banquet videos from first and second year.
It reminds me that there were good times, there were not so good times, and there were AWESOMELY AMAZINGLY GREAT times!!
I'm really excited for the school year to start again.
Not just because I'll get to see everybody but also partly because I'm hoping my somewhat excitedness for learning has peaked again. And hopefully that will stick with me.
Watching the first video, I remembered how much fun we had, how much love that was spread. I remember not being burdened by stupid, irrelevant things. Accepting this love, and building on the newfound friendships.
Watching the second video, I realized I had forgotten all the things I had learned in first year. Taking on responsibility had made me lose focus on what was really important. I see these pictures of things I had done in the beginning of the year, and I realized that I've totally forgotten how much fun I had, sometimes even forgetting altogether that I did it. and that's sad.
Watching the videos though, I got excited for next year. Ideas of making cupcakes for birthdays, or gingerbread men with names on them. Random house raidings. Dropping by first year rezs. The things we talked about doing back in first year "when we became upper years" to show the first years what it really meant to be part of ACF. I realize that half way through this year, I had forgotten most of my foundations. I had forgotten the real reason why I moved to Summit was to be surrounded by ACF people, to be in a community, and to spread the love and randomness. Instead, I started thinking about living costs and expenses. I had forgotten the reason why I became a small group leader was the spread the love and caring that I had been shown to me in my first year. Instead, I focussed on planning events, turn outs and success. My job became all about the money instead of just another life experience. I had forgotten all the real deep reasons for why I did things and had become lost in the chaotic world of temporary.
There are so many people that I'm sure I've "left behind and forgotten". The people in the Asian Clubs, the people from first year rez, people within my own year, who I just don't talk to as often anymore. I became stuck in a bubble that was just so comfortable I didn't bother trying to get out. I'm not sure if I'm still shielded by this veil of comfort, but I want to attempt to make a change. A change for the better. A change in the right direction. I continue to need guidance. I continue to need support. and the most important thing I've learned, is that I continue to need God's presence in my life.
Congrats Baby T on making med school in Alberta!
It reminds me that there were good times, there were not so good times, and there were AWESOMELY AMAZINGLY GREAT times!!
I'm really excited for the school year to start again.
Not just because I'll get to see everybody but also partly because I'm hoping my somewhat excitedness for learning has peaked again. And hopefully that will stick with me.
Watching the first video, I remembered how much fun we had, how much love that was spread. I remember not being burdened by stupid, irrelevant things. Accepting this love, and building on the newfound friendships.
Watching the second video, I realized I had forgotten all the things I had learned in first year. Taking on responsibility had made me lose focus on what was really important. I see these pictures of things I had done in the beginning of the year, and I realized that I've totally forgotten how much fun I had, sometimes even forgetting altogether that I did it. and that's sad.
Watching the videos though, I got excited for next year. Ideas of making cupcakes for birthdays, or gingerbread men with names on them. Random house raidings. Dropping by first year rezs. The things we talked about doing back in first year "when we became upper years" to show the first years what it really meant to be part of ACF. I realize that half way through this year, I had forgotten most of my foundations. I had forgotten the real reason why I moved to Summit was to be surrounded by ACF people, to be in a community, and to spread the love and randomness. Instead, I started thinking about living costs and expenses. I had forgotten the reason why I became a small group leader was the spread the love and caring that I had been shown to me in my first year. Instead, I focussed on planning events, turn outs and success. My job became all about the money instead of just another life experience. I had forgotten all the real deep reasons for why I did things and had become lost in the chaotic world of temporary.
There are so many people that I'm sure I've "left behind and forgotten". The people in the Asian Clubs, the people from first year rez, people within my own year, who I just don't talk to as often anymore. I became stuck in a bubble that was just so comfortable I didn't bother trying to get out. I'm not sure if I'm still shielded by this veil of comfort, but I want to attempt to make a change. A change for the better. A change in the right direction. I continue to need guidance. I continue to need support. and the most important thing I've learned, is that I continue to need God's presence in my life.
Congrats Baby T on making med school in Alberta!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
beautiful. absolutely, gorgeous.
these past few weeks have been absolutely incredible. i mean, i've got the best job in the world, and things could only be getting better. i do absolutely nothing at work, and i get paid pretty well to do quite that. the hours are great, a little unpredictable, but who doesn't like variety? it keeps me on my feet. the boss has been ever so trusting, leaves me alone for long periods of time to deal with things on my own. doesn't feel the need to be constantly looking over my shoulder. yay, freedom~!
my days off are pretty chill, i get to do whatever i want, all day. get to spend some quality time with myself. it's a good change from work. with all that interacting with customers, who needs to talk to peers. that would be overstimulation, no? weather's been pretty cooperative too. that's cool. i guess "they" were right when they said 'balance is key'.
life's a breeze, everything is fitting into place. this is the life.
you must be fucking kidding me.
these past few months have been absolutely horrible. every day is yet another day of added stress. i have constraints to when i can do my work, and how i can do my work. yet if i don't get it all done by a certain time, i have to stay later to finish it. if i did it my own way, things would get done so much quicker. it would be like today, where all the work was done, and i was allowed to get off work 15 minutes early. i know 15 minutes doesn't seem like much but i was VERY grateful. i absolutely detest what i am doing, and would much rather not be doing it. every day, i dread waking up, i dread getting out of bed, and i force myself to do the responsible thing and go to work instead of making up lame excuses. i force myself to make the money i need to continue to live here. in the past few months, i'm sure i've lost weight. i'm not sure exactly because i don't own a scale, but my clothes are getting looser and when i buy clothes they're getting smaller. i am absolutely miserable. when i finally get to work, i am hit by a wall of overwhelming negativity. this morning, i wanted to cry the moment i stepped out of my car. i spent the first 20 minutes of work, making excuses to go the washroom simply so i wouldn't burst into tears at the front desk. i spent the next half hour coaching myself to speak clearly and cheerfully while trying to keep the tears at bay. i knew that if they fell, i would have no logical explanation for them except for "i hate my job." yet, i cannot say these words to my employers because i am in need of an income to feed the rental payments, to pay for the gas that allows me to drive to this dread place of misery, and to stock up the fridge with food that i barely have time to eat. i spend each and every day at work, starving, counting the hours until i finish. counting the hours until i can go home, shower, and eat. yet by the time i go home, i'm so exhausted that i barely change out of my uniform before i pass out. this has been going on for the past several months, and it can only get worse. i have been more prone to sickness since i started working here, i have been more stressed out than i have ever been for school, and i am in the worst spirits i have ever been in since my initial deterioration in health back in 2006. ever since i started working here, i haven't been able to find "a joy in my life", i haven't been able to find anything to look forward to. i can only keep lying to myself. the one tangible thing in my life is too inconsistent to rely on, and the one constant i have practically thrown away.
i absolutely hate it.
my days off are pretty chill, i get to do whatever i want, all day. get to spend some quality time with myself. it's a good change from work. with all that interacting with customers, who needs to talk to peers. that would be overstimulation, no? weather's been pretty cooperative too. that's cool. i guess "they" were right when they said 'balance is key'.
life's a breeze, everything is fitting into place. this is the life.
you must be fucking kidding me.
these past few months have been absolutely horrible. every day is yet another day of added stress. i have constraints to when i can do my work, and how i can do my work. yet if i don't get it all done by a certain time, i have to stay later to finish it. if i did it my own way, things would get done so much quicker. it would be like today, where all the work was done, and i was allowed to get off work 15 minutes early. i know 15 minutes doesn't seem like much but i was VERY grateful. i absolutely detest what i am doing, and would much rather not be doing it. every day, i dread waking up, i dread getting out of bed, and i force myself to do the responsible thing and go to work instead of making up lame excuses. i force myself to make the money i need to continue to live here. in the past few months, i'm sure i've lost weight. i'm not sure exactly because i don't own a scale, but my clothes are getting looser and when i buy clothes they're getting smaller. i am absolutely miserable. when i finally get to work, i am hit by a wall of overwhelming negativity. this morning, i wanted to cry the moment i stepped out of my car. i spent the first 20 minutes of work, making excuses to go the washroom simply so i wouldn't burst into tears at the front desk. i spent the next half hour coaching myself to speak clearly and cheerfully while trying to keep the tears at bay. i knew that if they fell, i would have no logical explanation for them except for "i hate my job." yet, i cannot say these words to my employers because i am in need of an income to feed the rental payments, to pay for the gas that allows me to drive to this dread place of misery, and to stock up the fridge with food that i barely have time to eat. i spend each and every day at work, starving, counting the hours until i finish. counting the hours until i can go home, shower, and eat. yet by the time i go home, i'm so exhausted that i barely change out of my uniform before i pass out. this has been going on for the past several months, and it can only get worse. i have been more prone to sickness since i started working here, i have been more stressed out than i have ever been for school, and i am in the worst spirits i have ever been in since my initial deterioration in health back in 2006. ever since i started working here, i haven't been able to find "a joy in my life", i haven't been able to find anything to look forward to. i can only keep lying to myself. the one tangible thing in my life is too inconsistent to rely on, and the one constant i have practically thrown away.
i absolutely hate it.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
a coming together of gradual comfort
Hier soir, les étudiants année 2 sont rencontrés pour le dîner. C’était la première fois que nous sommes assier ensemble dans presque une année. Au début il y avait quelques conversations entre les personnes du même université, ou entre les bonnes amies. Il a pris du temps avant que les conversations sont changés à être moins exclusives. Le dîner m’a laissé un peu hésitant. Après le dîner, les filles sont allées faire des courses à Square One. Nous sommes resté dans le magasin de souliers pour presque une heure, jusqu’au temps que le centre commercial est fermé. Après cela, nous avons loué une filme (Dan in Real Life) et nous sommes aller chez quelqu’un pour le regarder. C’est une bonne filme. Près du fin du nuit, je sentais moins maladroit, mais la sensation de ne pas appartenir me reste avec.
Monday, April 21, 2008
a conversation of the hearts
catching up with a friend
dinner
thought provoking discussion
we should do it more often
dinner
thought provoking discussion
we should do it more often
Friday, April 18, 2008
that was refreshing
exam period has started.
i've still only written one exam.
Tomorrow is my second exam.
Studying has been mighty slow.
went to the gym today.
kinda want to go out for a run.
seems like a good idea.
should be studying though.
sirens are wailing.
i feel like just lying in the dark soaking in
the sounds, the breeze, the smells, the air
summer's coming :)
i've still only written one exam.
Tomorrow is my second exam.
Studying has been mighty slow.
went to the gym today.
kinda want to go out for a run.
seems like a good idea.
should be studying though.
sirens are wailing.
i feel like just lying in the dark soaking in
the sounds, the breeze, the smells, the air
summer's coming :)
Monday, April 07, 2008
something happened last night.
we were supposed to have house sharing. the first in 3 months. we had decided to scrap the dinner part so that we could either do homework/whatever else had to be done on our own time.. and then meet at 10 to start sharing. the boys left by 1020.. so we're 20 minutes behind schedule already. we started waking people up around 1030 to let them know we were going to start. by 1045, 4/5 people are ready. we can't get in contact with the last person. we swear she's in her room, we assume she's ignoring us but we're still trying to get her to respond. we bang on her door, her window, have people call her. we keep trying to make sure she is in her room and alive until about 1120. by this point, we don't even care if she doesn't want to be part of our sharing or if she's actually passed out, we just want to know that she's alive. and as i stood in front of her door with another one of my housemates half-attempting to pick her lock with a screwdriver, i realized... we still care. although we've expressed so many times to each other that we were simply annoyed and frustrated, although i've told joe that i simply don't care anymore, and i could care less if things had changed drastically and if the future changed because of it, i realized that all those words were just words and horrible expressions of frustration. as we sat in the living room helpless, we realized that beyond all the surface tension, we still really cared about her well-being. i guess that's one of those inexplicable weird things about love.
we ended up starting to share around 1130. an hour and a half behind schedule. it was exciting to see such good changes in people's lives. that the negative had gotten better, and even though there was new "bad stuff" we were all aware of how to deal with it, that we were really relying on God to take hold of it, and that we would be obedient to whatever He had in store for us. i was excited at how willing she was to share. this is definite growth from the beginning of the year when she was really reluctant and shy of sharing, but she was completely prepare to make her statement of not knowing what to share about immediately after the last person had finished. she knew it was her turn and she spoke up. she knew we would be listening to her next and she was ready. it was... comforting.
i woke up this morning around 930. rolled around in bed and smiled at the warmth. i heard kchow playing the piano, tiff talking excitedly about something, and the giggling turning into screaming as christina starts to harrass her. i finally get out of bed at 1045 because my printer randomly turned on and it scared me. i make breakfast, bake some croissants.. and go halfway up the stairs to mingle with the girls.
by 1215 we all walk to the bus stop together, talking excitedly.
today was a lot of fun. the weather is amazing. and i'm really happy.. wow.. happy on a mondya. that's amazing. Praise God!
we were supposed to have house sharing. the first in 3 months. we had decided to scrap the dinner part so that we could either do homework/whatever else had to be done on our own time.. and then meet at 10 to start sharing. the boys left by 1020.. so we're 20 minutes behind schedule already. we started waking people up around 1030 to let them know we were going to start. by 1045, 4/5 people are ready. we can't get in contact with the last person. we swear she's in her room, we assume she's ignoring us but we're still trying to get her to respond. we bang on her door, her window, have people call her. we keep trying to make sure she is in her room and alive until about 1120. by this point, we don't even care if she doesn't want to be part of our sharing or if she's actually passed out, we just want to know that she's alive. and as i stood in front of her door with another one of my housemates half-attempting to pick her lock with a screwdriver, i realized... we still care. although we've expressed so many times to each other that we were simply annoyed and frustrated, although i've told joe that i simply don't care anymore, and i could care less if things had changed drastically and if the future changed because of it, i realized that all those words were just words and horrible expressions of frustration. as we sat in the living room helpless, we realized that beyond all the surface tension, we still really cared about her well-being. i guess that's one of those inexplicable weird things about love.
we ended up starting to share around 1130. an hour and a half behind schedule. it was exciting to see such good changes in people's lives. that the negative had gotten better, and even though there was new "bad stuff" we were all aware of how to deal with it, that we were really relying on God to take hold of it, and that we would be obedient to whatever He had in store for us. i was excited at how willing she was to share. this is definite growth from the beginning of the year when she was really reluctant and shy of sharing, but she was completely prepare to make her statement of not knowing what to share about immediately after the last person had finished. she knew it was her turn and she spoke up. she knew we would be listening to her next and she was ready. it was... comforting.
i woke up this morning around 930. rolled around in bed and smiled at the warmth. i heard kchow playing the piano, tiff talking excitedly about something, and the giggling turning into screaming as christina starts to harrass her. i finally get out of bed at 1045 because my printer randomly turned on and it scared me. i make breakfast, bake some croissants.. and go halfway up the stairs to mingle with the girls.
by 1215 we all walk to the bus stop together, talking excitedly.
today was a lot of fun. the weather is amazing. and i'm really happy.. wow.. happy on a mondya. that's amazing. Praise God!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Stage One - Initiation: Complete
the email has been sent.
one response. it was expected, because she was going to send out the email herself.
Still waiting for more responses.
Stage Two - Reaction: In Progress
Stage Three - Action: Needs Action
one response. it was expected, because she was going to send out the email herself.
Still waiting for more responses.
Stage Two - Reaction: In Progress
Stage Three - Action: Needs Action
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Debrief
- 30 Hour Famine
- KCF/ACF Pot Luck
- Miscellaneous
1. I believe it was a success in terms of organization and follow through. No major problems, not that many minor problems either. It ran pretty smoothly. Yay~! We also surpassed our goal in the last week of fundraising. Super cool. Props to God.
2. It was... "awkward". Tried to initiate conversation, not that much reciprocation, especially with the girls. Sometimes I hate girls. So unwilling to open up, always sticking to pre-existing cliques. I mean, we tried to talk to them, but they weren't very responsive, would always turn back to people they already know, or refocus on attention to a new conversation initiated by an "old friend". It was really frustrating for the most part. So decided to use the "awkward loser" approach by asking a guy I already knew to introduce me to other people he knew. That worked out better. The guys are definitely more willing to incorporate people and make them feel welcomed. Jesunim tangshin'er sarangheyo.
Koreans have fun games though. We learned "Bunny Bunny", "Frying pan Game", and "Pa Bo". Fun times once the games were started, but the girls aren't much for conversation. By the end of the night when we all left, it was still kind of awkward goodbyes. Not the best progress made. Should have made a greater effort earlier in the year. Should have acted on my thoughts rather than wait it out.
3a. I think I'm going to take up Jess Kearon's offer to be on Unity Committee next year. I've really limited myself to my bubble this year and I keep talking about breaking out of it. So last night was step one. Thanks to Joe for reminding me. Moving forward, commit to Unity Committee.
3b. Tiff and I talked today. Are we losing House Unity? Is our House straying as Christians? Less accountable for each other, drifting in focus, lacking support. Things have changed. We need to speak up and fix things.
All you can do is pray
Monday, March 24, 2008
it's weird.
i feel very refreshed right now. even though i still have to finish this interview report that was due today. i have until tomorrow to send it in.
i think i have a lot of stuff to do in the next two weeks (finish french labs ... start french labs, rather; work at the Mandarin; linguistics assignment; study for exams?) i feel really excited. I'm looking forward to something. I don't know what. maybe the end of school. I'm excited to finish school. but that means work full-time. am I excited about that?
I want a really interesting job. I'm not complaining about the Mandarin. It's good. Kind of repetitive though. However, it allows me to do more than one task: Answer the phone, take reservations, take take-out/delivery orders, capture credit cards. So it's not boring per se, but perhaps a little... repetitive. I now know how to talk to people over the phone, but it's almost like i've lost my in-person person skills.
I want to find another job (not quit Mandarin) just, another job on the side. perhaps PT both? Have a higher variety of things to do? Demetres perhaps, heard it was hiring.
This sociology of work class, is very depressing. If I actually pay attention, I learn about a lot of depressing things that happen in the "real world" how people don't really care about others. It makes me realize that I really have limited myself to a Christian bubble. It's like I've forgotten what the "real world" is about. I feel that sometimes I was more aware in high school than I am in university. I don't listen to the radio, I've stopped reading even the Gazette. I still get Macleans but I rarely read it now. I've lost a lot of the things that I developed to help educate myself of the outside world. I'm stuck in a university bubble.
I know that last year, I would express that some people were stuck in the little social bubbles, barely talking to people outside. This year, I got stuck in that situation myself. I don't know how to get out, cuz I've gotten myself so stuck into it. My lifestyle has developed so that I talk to only my house mates and a very limited number of people outside my house. I rarely talk to the people from asian clubs, my friends are all ACFers...
i've gotten so involved in Christian-related things.. that..i feel lost.. and.. useless to the world... all the skills and knowledge that I have gathered in life, has been put into this closet... i know there's the whole "new life" thing.. but.. i'm not sure if i'm quite happy with it right now.. it's like i'm limiting myself.. and.. not.. very.. *sigh* i duno.
am i going backwards?
i feel very refreshed right now. even though i still have to finish this interview report that was due today. i have until tomorrow to send it in.
i think i have a lot of stuff to do in the next two weeks (finish french labs ... start french labs, rather; work at the Mandarin; linguistics assignment; study for exams?) i feel really excited. I'm looking forward to something. I don't know what. maybe the end of school. I'm excited to finish school. but that means work full-time. am I excited about that?
I want a really interesting job. I'm not complaining about the Mandarin. It's good. Kind of repetitive though. However, it allows me to do more than one task: Answer the phone, take reservations, take take-out/delivery orders, capture credit cards. So it's not boring per se, but perhaps a little... repetitive. I now know how to talk to people over the phone, but it's almost like i've lost my in-person person skills.
I want to find another job (not quit Mandarin) just, another job on the side. perhaps PT both? Have a higher variety of things to do? Demetres perhaps, heard it was hiring.
This sociology of work class, is very depressing. If I actually pay attention, I learn about a lot of depressing things that happen in the "real world" how people don't really care about others. It makes me realize that I really have limited myself to a Christian bubble. It's like I've forgotten what the "real world" is about. I feel that sometimes I was more aware in high school than I am in university. I don't listen to the radio, I've stopped reading even the Gazette. I still get Macleans but I rarely read it now. I've lost a lot of the things that I developed to help educate myself of the outside world. I'm stuck in a university bubble.
I know that last year, I would express that some people were stuck in the little social bubbles, barely talking to people outside. This year, I got stuck in that situation myself. I don't know how to get out, cuz I've gotten myself so stuck into it. My lifestyle has developed so that I talk to only my house mates and a very limited number of people outside my house. I rarely talk to the people from asian clubs, my friends are all ACFers...
i've gotten so involved in Christian-related things.. that..i feel lost.. and.. useless to the world... all the skills and knowledge that I have gathered in life, has been put into this closet... i know there's the whole "new life" thing.. but.. i'm not sure if i'm quite happy with it right now.. it's like i'm limiting myself.. and.. not.. very.. *sigh* i duno.
am i going backwards?
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
but i couldn't see...
i woke up today feeling like -_-"
i remember vaguely dreaming about meeting Chris Tomlin in between sessions at PassionDC and him leaving his guitar in my care. For some reason, in my dream, i knew what type of guitar he owned and its value. I was holding it as he went to the washroom, and when he came out he walked right past me and went into the stadium. Another random thing I remember is, that "my guitar" was Gavin's. And while I was standing stupidly in the hall with Tomlin's guitar in hand, he had somehow stolen mine and was playing it on stage. At that point I made a mental note: Tell Gav that Chris Tomlin is playing with his guitar. More randomness that I don't remember, and then I woke up annoyed that I had to go to school, feeling totally unmotivated, not wanting to go through today.
I should be excited. The first time my small group is getting together in a while. We're going to Deliware to hand out frosh packages and talk to people on Abby's floor. I should be excited. This is exactly what I've been talking about for so long. Getting out of our comfortable bubbles and jumping into the dark, cold waters. Yet, I almost don't care. I just want to lie in bed all day and wait for time to pass by.
I should be psyched. I got a job interview today at the Mandarin. First job opportunity in... a really long time, since my Build-A-Bear group interview back in first semester. Talked to Gav about it yesterday, he got excited. Probably a little more than I did. Honestly though, I don't know why it happens. Every time something exciting happens to me, or if I get an opportunity to advance somewhere, (a) people are more excited than I am (b) I get super moody that day and I let it affect my performance.
FRICK! it's only been an hour. I still have another hour of Linguistics. I really just want to get out of here. and ... I don't know... mope.
I need to do my Sociology of Work interview, do library research. I don't want to. Gonna fail the course. Hate it. No motivation. Don't even care.
I'm back in my "I don't care" depressed mood. How long is this one going to last?
Hate studying.
I'm so pessimistic today.
Just want to drop out of school and crawl into a box and die.
-_-"
Why am I so emo?
qwertyuiop[]\
asdfghjkl;'
zxvbnm,./
... that the joke was on me
i remember vaguely dreaming about meeting Chris Tomlin in between sessions at PassionDC and him leaving his guitar in my care. For some reason, in my dream, i knew what type of guitar he owned and its value. I was holding it as he went to the washroom, and when he came out he walked right past me and went into the stadium. Another random thing I remember is, that "my guitar" was Gavin's. And while I was standing stupidly in the hall with Tomlin's guitar in hand, he had somehow stolen mine and was playing it on stage. At that point I made a mental note: Tell Gav that Chris Tomlin is playing with his guitar. More randomness that I don't remember, and then I woke up annoyed that I had to go to school, feeling totally unmotivated, not wanting to go through today.
I should be excited. The first time my small group is getting together in a while. We're going to Deliware to hand out frosh packages and talk to people on Abby's floor. I should be excited. This is exactly what I've been talking about for so long. Getting out of our comfortable bubbles and jumping into the dark, cold waters. Yet, I almost don't care. I just want to lie in bed all day and wait for time to pass by.
I should be psyched. I got a job interview today at the Mandarin. First job opportunity in... a really long time, since my Build-A-Bear group interview back in first semester. Talked to Gav about it yesterday, he got excited. Probably a little more than I did. Honestly though, I don't know why it happens. Every time something exciting happens to me, or if I get an opportunity to advance somewhere, (a) people are more excited than I am (b) I get super moody that day and I let it affect my performance.
FRICK! it's only been an hour. I still have another hour of Linguistics. I really just want to get out of here. and ... I don't know... mope.
I need to do my Sociology of Work interview, do library research. I don't want to. Gonna fail the course. Hate it. No motivation. Don't even care.
I'm back in my "I don't care" depressed mood. How long is this one going to last?
Hate studying.
I'm so pessimistic today.
Just want to drop out of school and crawl into a box and die.
-_-"
Why am I so emo?
qwertyuiop[]\
asdfghjkl;'
zxvbnm,./
... that the joke was on me
Thursday, February 28, 2008
a look into the future
So, I’m supposed to be writing a vision statement after having accepted the nomination for VP External and I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to write in a “vision statement.” I suppose “my vision for next year” would be something appropriate to include =P. So I look back at last year's vision statements, and I read what this year's leaders have written. All have written things different from each others, no real "outline" for what to write for my own vision statement. Few have actual "visions for next year". They talk of their experiences in the past year, perhaps a mention on something that's been put on their heart. Let's see if this can set an example for what I'm to write.
This last year with ACF was different from my first year. Two years side by side, completely different perspectives. First year, I was welcomed into an embracing community. Upper years so willing to drop everything to be your pillar, to be your company, to be your friend. This year, it was my turn, and I must admit, it was different. There is so much more effort required. Being a small group leader this year, has really taught me the meaning of "Love is an action, not a feeling." You would think that if you love someone it would be so easy to care for them, because you have already accepted them despite their faults. But when you are given a responsibility to care for someone other than yourself, you realize how selfish you are. You realize how much sacrifice it takes to truly care for another, and you start to question whether you plan small group events out of obligation or genuine want for fellowship. Lesson Learned #1: Actions without Love are better off not done. (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)
At Passion Regionals, the speaker Louie Giglio made a statement that really spoke to me. I guess it’s because it’s the words I’ve been looking for to describe what most people interpret to be my “lack of direction”. “I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know how I’m getting there, I don’t know when I’m going to get there, but I know who I’m going with. I’m going with Jesus, and that’s all that really matters.” Of course it’s always nice to have some idea of where we are headed, to have a certain goal for our future to aim towards, a source of motivation. But what more motivation do we need than Jesus asking us to follow Him? (Matthew 9:9)
One thing that has been like a recurring theme for me is that of getting out of our comfortable Christian circles to reach out to others (James 2: 14-17). Starting at Campus Challenge in May 07, the speaker Tom Lin spoke of stepping out of our ACF greenhouses (take greenhouse effect and replace solar energy and radiation with Spiritual growth), at Surge (the CC follow up), Jesse Surdigo talked about jumping into the dark waters to save the drowning instead of calling to them from the safety of the island. The more sermons I listen to, the more conferences I attend, the more conversations I have, one theme remains; get off your pedestal and be with the people who need to hear about Jesus the most. (Matthew 9:10-13)
~~~So I discovered this song some time last year and the lyrics really reached out to me. It talks about us as the Body of Christ, we have a responsibility to show the world Jesus’ love, to tell the world His story, yet we shy away into our little Christian circles. In the italics, we see the things that we may not intentionally do but we end up portraying to the world. In the bold, the truth that we have to face.
If we are the Body – Casting Crowns
It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in
Trying to fade into the faces
The girls' teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know
CHORUS
But if we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way
There is a way
A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat
And quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances tells him that his chances
Are better out on the road
Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the Body of Christ
Although this song encourages us to fulfill our responsibility to reach out to others, to show EVERYBODY of God’s Love and not just the people we would like to share it with, we have to remember that without love we are nothing. So although it is not up to us to pick and choose who is invited to the greatest party ever, we must give out invitations in love and not out of duty (Matthew 9:12-13).
So think about it.My vision for the future is that we do all that we are capable of doing to spread the good news of Jesus Christ, whether it be as ACF, or as individual members of the Body of Christ. God doesn’t just call the equipped, He equips the called, and I plan to fulfill what He has called me to do whether it is as VP External for ACF or as an individual with no other title than “Follower of Christ.”
Friday, February 22, 2008
wandering thoughts~
COME BACK TO ME!!!!
I hate when I have awesome think sessions with myself... and don't have the means to record them, because by the time I find one I've forgotten (for the most part) what I was thinking about. Mainly the details... (i.e. what's really important)... because... I can't have the same think cycle all over again.. cuz I gotta have the right stimuli and conditions.. or else.. different think cycle...
danng. it was so good too.... i don't even remember where it happened.. was it on the train while i was reading the book? or while i was dozing.. can't even remember what I was thinking about when I was nodding off...
I hate when I have awesome think sessions with myself... and don't have the means to record them, because by the time I find one I've forgotten (for the most part) what I was thinking about. Mainly the details... (i.e. what's really important)... because... I can't have the same think cycle all over again.. cuz I gotta have the right stimuli and conditions.. or else.. different think cycle...
danng. it was so good too.... i don't even remember where it happened.. was it on the train while i was reading the book? or while i was dozing.. can't even remember what I was thinking about when I was nodding off...
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
just let it out
is it totally unjustified to want to fall so far, just so i can be lifted up and appreciate it?
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
you float my ARK
ACF NOMINATIONS!!!!
SHOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!
pray hard.
~~~
anywho, came home. plans for this week have changed once again. that's quite alright. reread an email, realized i read the info wrong, but doesn't affect things cuz we haven't started yet. made me slightly more excited though. it goes with the current thought process. cool~!
wondering now... should i bake the pumpkin pie, now that i know i will be staying in London for the rest of the week?
SHOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!
pray hard.
~~~
anywho, came home. plans for this week have changed once again. that's quite alright. reread an email, realized i read the info wrong, but doesn't affect things cuz we haven't started yet. made me slightly more excited though. it goes with the current thought process. cool~!
wondering now... should i bake the pumpkin pie, now that i know i will be staying in London for the rest of the week?
Thursday, January 31, 2008
God is my CO
so i was walking to A&P today and I was thinking about my friend who has recently come back to ACF. I remember, in the summertime, talking to him about "coming back" to fellowship and church, about bringing him to MCBC small groups... or ACF... i remember i told him about all the different fellowships on campus and when they meet, and if he wanted to go to any that wasn't ACF, I would still go with him. this led to a thought; the reason i said that i would still go with him, was because "my loyalties were with ACF". then i realized, that is not true. i cannot have loyalties to a fellowship, because a fellowship is simply a gathering of believers who should be united towards a common goal, and that goal, is where my loyalty should lie.
my loyalty is with God. I will go wherever He tells me to.
now to live up to that statement... it shouldn't be a different story..
my loyalty is with God. I will go wherever He tells me to.
now to live up to that statement... it shouldn't be a different story..
Monday, January 28, 2008
Step back. Hold on. Observe.
So this past weekend, was ACF's Winter Retreat. A lot of stuffed happened. Whether it was spiritual or emotional, I have no comment. We'll check up along the months to come.
ACF's direction has definitely shifted. Whether it be because of OneThing, or because there really was God working... I also have no comment.
So first day back to school, feels like I haven't been in class in so long. Mondays are dreadful. Always have to get back into the flow of things. Missed my first class. Late for my second class. Don't plan on going to my third class. I'll go home and I better study for my exam tomorrow. OR else I'm just consciously screwing myself over.
It's like, every week, I must rebuild my motivation for getting through the school week. I can almost never find anything to look forward to, and it takes so much more effort to find something to be thankful for. I know it's absolutely retarded, and I know I definitely need to work on this a lot harder.
NTS: Pray for Mondays.
ACF's direction has definitely shifted. Whether it be because of OneThing, or because there really was God working... I also have no comment.
So first day back to school, feels like I haven't been in class in so long. Mondays are dreadful. Always have to get back into the flow of things. Missed my first class. Late for my second class. Don't plan on going to my third class. I'll go home and I better study for my exam tomorrow. OR else I'm just consciously screwing myself over.
It's like, every week, I must rebuild my motivation for getting through the school week. I can almost never find anything to look forward to, and it takes so much more effort to find something to be thankful for. I know it's absolutely retarded, and I know I definitely need to work on this a lot harder.
NTS: Pray for Mondays.
Monday, January 14, 2008
while you were out
nearly a month later and yet similar thoughts.
i'll get excited about the next day's classes, but the moment i wake up, i no longer want to take part in the school day.
at other times, i think about why i'm in university, seeing as i don't have to much of a future, mainly because i don't know where i should be guiding my academic future, no real direction leads to no real motivation. two housemates have dealt with their difficulties by reapplying to new programs and new universities. i've talked about it, but haven't done anything. i'm kind of the opposite. had so many great ideas of how to figure out new paths, and i abandonned them all. exchange to australia? didn't bother checking out application requirements. summer exchange to china? same path, cept my parents are bugging me about it more.
poop poop poop. i don't want to do this. i don't want to go back to 'sauga, but what's the use of staying here if i'm not doing anything productive? maybe i should put more hope in linguistics. maybe that will take me somewhere.
education poops me out so bad i've lost my appetite. for good. -_-"
in need of a destination,
L
i'll get excited about the next day's classes, but the moment i wake up, i no longer want to take part in the school day.
at other times, i think about why i'm in university, seeing as i don't have to much of a future, mainly because i don't know where i should be guiding my academic future, no real direction leads to no real motivation. two housemates have dealt with their difficulties by reapplying to new programs and new universities. i've talked about it, but haven't done anything. i'm kind of the opposite. had so many great ideas of how to figure out new paths, and i abandonned them all. exchange to australia? didn't bother checking out application requirements. summer exchange to china? same path, cept my parents are bugging me about it more.
poop poop poop. i don't want to do this. i don't want to go back to 'sauga, but what's the use of staying here if i'm not doing anything productive? maybe i should put more hope in linguistics. maybe that will take me somewhere.
education poops me out so bad i've lost my appetite. for good. -_-"
in need of a destination,
L
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