born to be

i wasn't meant to be an academic.

lately, i've spent more time hitting the books. i find it really odd how i've actually managed to keep relatively still in one spot and just go through course content, whether it be re-organizing notes for musical theatre, or defining the key terms for forensic science. i know it may not sound like much, but it's probably the most work i've done since midterms. maybe it's because it's exam time, and it's around this time when people realize that they gotta pick up the slack. i remember doing work at midterms, but it was because i need to pass the course, manage a 60%, not because i cared about the course, and not necessarily because i didn't want to flunk - cuz to be honest i didn't really care, or better wording, it didn't worry me much- it was more like i was doing the actions because they were expected, and if i didn't, there wasn't much else to do.

this time around, i've been doing work. although i wasn't eager to prepare for exams when i went home on Sunday, i brought out my forensic science course package the moment i settled down in the train station waiting for the train to arrive. and the entire 3 days i spent at home, i was constantly taking notes for forensic science and musical theatre. that is a lot of fricken work! and i wasn't even forcing myself to do it in the expected very reluctant manner i would normally approach this. rather, i brought my stuff downstairs and set out an area on the floor, with everything spread out and that is where i staked out for the duration of my time at home. other than that one day when i went to square one with my cousin, but even then, i felt guilty that i was at the mall instead of locked up at home studying.

imagine that. feeling guilty for not studying. you would never expect that to come from me, of all people. yet, for some reason, it is an "emotion" i've been experiencing quite often lately. i think it's really odd, like i said before. i have no idea how to explain it. it's like it was a sudden onset, not even gradual. weird, eh?

anyway, back to the first sentence. from being cooped up at home in the living room sprawled out on the floor surrounded by courses packages and papers, to taking over the living room couch in Summit, i have come about another sudden emotion. yesterday, i was feeling extremely guilty for being at Masonville, and it did not help that i ended up buying things, i got home and felt guilty that i was just sitting around, wrapping gifts and NOT breaking out the books. and yet today, coming home from LCAC, I have been lying on this couch and I have glanced at my forensic science several times. yet i cannot bring myself to concentrate long enough to get into study mode. instead, i am experiencing an overwhelming down in the dumps feeling, and i can't get out.

maybe it's anxiety. i realized that i felt super depressed the day before my philosophy exam as well. which kind blew cuz it was my birthday and i was in a very blah mood. very blah. dang. this means two more days of depression. great. now i smell pork chops. i think i'm going to get sick again -_-"

do you believe in 'goodbye forever'?

been thinking about the past lately. not saying the present sucks, cuz it's amazing! just thinking about how things have changed. thinking about the person i was in high school, i know she was different. maybe not completely, but definitely things you would be able to pick out. last night, talking to tiff and kchow made me realize how i haven't been very "Creative" lately. i'm not able to think up things as easily, without it feeling forced or 'not genuine'. sometimes i 'feel cheap' in the sense that i'm not giving all that it could be given. and it's not because i'm holding back, but rather because i can't remember how to unlock the gates. i wanna be emo just so i can be creative again. haha. if only it were that easy. being emo doesn't equate to being creative anymore. high school's over, i'm out of that funk. i need a new inspiration for creativity. and it's not like i don't have enough. i could use the joy i'm experiencing, but somehow, positivity doesn't translate to Great Works. it's like i lost the fuel to my fire, sometime between grade 12 and first year. there were random sparks last year, i remember them. but as of late, nothing.

i want the ink to flow. i want the paper to bleed.
all these things i want i cannot grasp.
problem is. it. exactly.
i need to use actual ink in order for it to flow, and real paper for it to bleed.
i have bound myself to machinery of convenience, perhaps this is why things are lost.

i look at my fingers and the callouses are coming off. i haven't "recovered" in a while, let alone touch a guitar. without loss there is no gain. without labour there is no produce. without blood, sweat, tears (so to speak) there is no real creativity.

should i hiatus? or simply split up my time a little more? probably the latter.


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Nov 25. TTR. remember the last minute conversation waiting. a conversation to say hello to a better future. kiss the past adieu. do you believe? conversation with a stranger that i know so well. are you curious? i wonder often. you've never asked. should i tell you or is it 'all in the past' and we should 'live for now and for the future'? i have a journal. you have the key. do you understand?

a picture's worth a thousand words

1. Philo 162F Exam
2. Birthday
3. Any Misc I think of by the time I get here

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1_So this morning I woke up at 0800, got a call to make sure i was awake at 0806. Got ready, made tea, left the house - 0825. Arrive outside TC 348 sometime before 0900. Sit. Contemplate. Pray. 0905 - Exam begins. I read. I stare at my blank booklet. I read some more. I make a stroke, my booklet no longer bare. stroke, stroke, stroke, pause, stop. rethink. I skim through the questions of the exam, back and forth between pages. From one question to the next. an hour in. wow, impressive, you've written so much. Continue flipping, continue writing. 1100 - an hour left. shoot, how did you write this much? you didn't study. Stare at the last 40% of the exam to be written. leave at -15, point form at -10, rest now. Time's nearly over, still got 40% worth left. Calm as a light morning breeze. Get up, walk over, hand in, pick up, walk out. At the bus stop, open it - 65%, not bad. Bus arrives, get on, content. =) Praise God.

2_Yesterday, for the most part, was uneventful. Nearly 10 hours of sitting near an open philosophy text book, skimming over 5 different articles, arguing over issues I could not care about. Not even near what I needed to know. Still getting over the random insides pains, tea like mad and washroom like a racehorse. Dinner at 6, no 630, okay how about 7? No problem. Moderate what you eat, no not really. Random Christmas shopping, to be continued. Home times. Surprise surprise? No, not exactly, but woah that's a lot of people. Thanks a lot. Fun times =)

How on earth did we fit that many people into our house?

I love you guys =)

Thanks for everything, Robot =P

3_First time I've posted pictures on blogger. That is all. Now to try Gav's Casserole Recipe. =D