i wouldn't call it agony

but it's still a pretty overwhelming feeling to have to deal with.

this burden is just too crazy. having it thrown on me out of the blue, without really any guidance as to how to go about it. just expectance that it will be carried through.
how am i supposed to deal with this tomorrow? will i be able to remain composed and calm? logical? remember what i want to tell him. but is it really what i want to tell him/ know to tell him/ what i was told to tell him. what do i really think about this? I think i've retreated into my "if I don't acknowledge it, it'll go away". but I know it won't and that is why i am screwed.

so many opinions and they all make sense. but what do i believe? why can't i think about this for myself? form my own opinion? because i am too afraid to face the truth. the last time this happened, it turned out alright.... but i really don't want to deal with this.....

i never want to deal with "This".

hate is a strong word...

i am quite annoyed by you.

you hold the expectations for everyone, but you have nothing to show that hold yourself to these same standards.
you blame everyone else, for what you cannot yet do. you say that you can do nothing until someone else acts first. and yet you blame us for things we have not yet done as we await your move.
you speak of saving souls and bearing the light, yet throw yourself into a pit of darkness.

i will probably never speak to you of this.
maybe one day... but not right now.

... but i really really really don't like you