so it seems like my life it pulling itself together. school's alright (so far). just got a job. going to retreat. meeting frosh. made friends at summer camp. captain-ing ultimate. looks like things are going good. it's like "i have a purpose", as cliche as that sounds. i have a flexible schedule with enough time to get everything done comfortably. yet, as odd as it sounds, i feel a l o n e .
i know that i probably don't make enough effort to keep in touch with a lot of people, but i thought that having a core group of people would be Enough. that there was some sort of hierarchy of friendship and that i had figured mine out. but i think, i've let some people slide into the shadows.
for the past two days as i was cleaning the house, it as invigorating, the feeling of getting rid of the clutter and having a bare floor to show. it doesn't make a room empty, but presentable; clean, but with just enough flare to brighten it up.
i've realized that when i procrastinate, I tend to think, and then i cope by cleaning. so perhaps, instead of just cleaning up the physical mess that lies before me, I should tackle the wreck within instead of moving the piles from one place to another.
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maybe i'm too hard on myself. (i've heard that many times). despite all the accomplishments i've made for myself, i still feel that it's not enough. Enough for what? i'm not sure. but perhaps the problem lies in the sentence itself. maybe all my accomplishments were not for me, but for other people. to prove that i am capable, to prove that i am strong, to prove that i am w o r t h y.
when i think of the things that i've done, they've all been pretty awesome experiences. some things, none of my friends have done before. and at the time, i was pretty psyched about them, internally. that's one problem: i don't express my feelings outwardly. not nearly enough. sometimes what i do let out, doesn't come across as appreciative. i give off an air of nonchalance. as if i don't really care about it, cuz it's no big deal. people have done greater things. and honestly, people have. but i think the issue is, that it seems to other people, that i take things for granted (and maybe i do) and i need to fix that.
i fill my plate with all these things to do, these things to get done; goals, projects, events. i don't know how i balance it, i just get things done. and then i get this feeling of being overwhelmed, that nobody is helping, that i have to do things alone, because help just isn't good enough. i need to let go, need to stop holding on to things, and just let things happen. i can't control the world, i can only control myself.
