born to be

i wasn't meant to be an academic.

lately, i've spent more time hitting the books. i find it really odd how i've actually managed to keep relatively still in one spot and just go through course content, whether it be re-organizing notes for musical theatre, or defining the key terms for forensic science. i know it may not sound like much, but it's probably the most work i've done since midterms. maybe it's because it's exam time, and it's around this time when people realize that they gotta pick up the slack. i remember doing work at midterms, but it was because i need to pass the course, manage a 60%, not because i cared about the course, and not necessarily because i didn't want to flunk - cuz to be honest i didn't really care, or better wording, it didn't worry me much- it was more like i was doing the actions because they were expected, and if i didn't, there wasn't much else to do.

this time around, i've been doing work. although i wasn't eager to prepare for exams when i went home on Sunday, i brought out my forensic science course package the moment i settled down in the train station waiting for the train to arrive. and the entire 3 days i spent at home, i was constantly taking notes for forensic science and musical theatre. that is a lot of fricken work! and i wasn't even forcing myself to do it in the expected very reluctant manner i would normally approach this. rather, i brought my stuff downstairs and set out an area on the floor, with everything spread out and that is where i staked out for the duration of my time at home. other than that one day when i went to square one with my cousin, but even then, i felt guilty that i was at the mall instead of locked up at home studying.

imagine that. feeling guilty for not studying. you would never expect that to come from me, of all people. yet, for some reason, it is an "emotion" i've been experiencing quite often lately. i think it's really odd, like i said before. i have no idea how to explain it. it's like it was a sudden onset, not even gradual. weird, eh?

anyway, back to the first sentence. from being cooped up at home in the living room sprawled out on the floor surrounded by courses packages and papers, to taking over the living room couch in Summit, i have come about another sudden emotion. yesterday, i was feeling extremely guilty for being at Masonville, and it did not help that i ended up buying things, i got home and felt guilty that i was just sitting around, wrapping gifts and NOT breaking out the books. and yet today, coming home from LCAC, I have been lying on this couch and I have glanced at my forensic science several times. yet i cannot bring myself to concentrate long enough to get into study mode. instead, i am experiencing an overwhelming down in the dumps feeling, and i can't get out.

maybe it's anxiety. i realized that i felt super depressed the day before my philosophy exam as well. which kind blew cuz it was my birthday and i was in a very blah mood. very blah. dang. this means two more days of depression. great. now i smell pork chops. i think i'm going to get sick again -_-"

do you believe in 'goodbye forever'?

been thinking about the past lately. not saying the present sucks, cuz it's amazing! just thinking about how things have changed. thinking about the person i was in high school, i know she was different. maybe not completely, but definitely things you would be able to pick out. last night, talking to tiff and kchow made me realize how i haven't been very "Creative" lately. i'm not able to think up things as easily, without it feeling forced or 'not genuine'. sometimes i 'feel cheap' in the sense that i'm not giving all that it could be given. and it's not because i'm holding back, but rather because i can't remember how to unlock the gates. i wanna be emo just so i can be creative again. haha. if only it were that easy. being emo doesn't equate to being creative anymore. high school's over, i'm out of that funk. i need a new inspiration for creativity. and it's not like i don't have enough. i could use the joy i'm experiencing, but somehow, positivity doesn't translate to Great Works. it's like i lost the fuel to my fire, sometime between grade 12 and first year. there were random sparks last year, i remember them. but as of late, nothing.

i want the ink to flow. i want the paper to bleed.
all these things i want i cannot grasp.
problem is. it. exactly.
i need to use actual ink in order for it to flow, and real paper for it to bleed.
i have bound myself to machinery of convenience, perhaps this is why things are lost.

i look at my fingers and the callouses are coming off. i haven't "recovered" in a while, let alone touch a guitar. without loss there is no gain. without labour there is no produce. without blood, sweat, tears (so to speak) there is no real creativity.

should i hiatus? or simply split up my time a little more? probably the latter.


<><><><><><><><><><<>><<><><><><><><><><><>

Nov 25. TTR. remember the last minute conversation waiting. a conversation to say hello to a better future. kiss the past adieu. do you believe? conversation with a stranger that i know so well. are you curious? i wonder often. you've never asked. should i tell you or is it 'all in the past' and we should 'live for now and for the future'? i have a journal. you have the key. do you understand?

a picture's worth a thousand words

1. Philo 162F Exam
2. Birthday
3. Any Misc I think of by the time I get here

~~~~~~~~~~

1_So this morning I woke up at 0800, got a call to make sure i was awake at 0806. Got ready, made tea, left the house - 0825. Arrive outside TC 348 sometime before 0900. Sit. Contemplate. Pray. 0905 - Exam begins. I read. I stare at my blank booklet. I read some more. I make a stroke, my booklet no longer bare. stroke, stroke, stroke, pause, stop. rethink. I skim through the questions of the exam, back and forth between pages. From one question to the next. an hour in. wow, impressive, you've written so much. Continue flipping, continue writing. 1100 - an hour left. shoot, how did you write this much? you didn't study. Stare at the last 40% of the exam to be written. leave at -15, point form at -10, rest now. Time's nearly over, still got 40% worth left. Calm as a light morning breeze. Get up, walk over, hand in, pick up, walk out. At the bus stop, open it - 65%, not bad. Bus arrives, get on, content. =) Praise God.

2_Yesterday, for the most part, was uneventful. Nearly 10 hours of sitting near an open philosophy text book, skimming over 5 different articles, arguing over issues I could not care about. Not even near what I needed to know. Still getting over the random insides pains, tea like mad and washroom like a racehorse. Dinner at 6, no 630, okay how about 7? No problem. Moderate what you eat, no not really. Random Christmas shopping, to be continued. Home times. Surprise surprise? No, not exactly, but woah that's a lot of people. Thanks a lot. Fun times =)

How on earth did we fit that many people into our house?

I love you guys =)

Thanks for everything, Robot =P

3_First time I've posted pictures on blogger. That is all. Now to try Gav's Casserole Recipe. =D

rekindle that old flame

Ignite that fire in our hearts.

We see sparks, but we gotta keep rubbing those sticks together till something else catches. We're so close to setting things into motion. If we give up now, we'll never know how big that fire could get. If we keep pushing, we get to see the results of our efforts, if not the full effect.

O, The Days of Old

Tuesday, November 20, 2007. This time last year, there was a lot more adventure, a lot more enthusiasm, a lot more excitement. There was something new at every turn, a surprise waiting around every corner, a story to call our own. Tonight, once again, I come to the realization that things have changed. Drastically. There are so many new things that were not apparent, let alone existent, last year. There are new additions, and the absence of some more established. Things have changed, and we are uncomfortable.

"En amour, nous sommes un contre un. En amitie, nous sommes deux." - Nicolas Hulot. When we come together, we get picky. We take the faults that we've noticed before, and we voice them. Things that may have seemed insignificant become humongous, and it makes me wonder, "How blinded am I by the plank in my eye?"

to live in a flower pot

so reading Tiff's msn name reminded me of the speaker from last week's ACF.

He talked about long-term missions of living in Muslim communities overseas and preaching the Gospel to them. he said it required a certain planning. You spend about 4 years in university, take a year off to travel to "dark place" and gain some knowledge about what trades flourish there, come back find a job in that trade for about 5-10 years, and then apply to the organization to work overseas, by which time, you will be in your 30s. In your 30s, huh? Most people expect to be married and have kids by this time. So how does that work out if you're going to go overseas for years on end, cut off (in a sense) from most of your friends and family?

You've got to live in a flower pot. Live so that you can grow within the pot, but be easily transferred into the garden. You've got to grow, but you can't get too attached. If you let your roots grow too far into the community in which you're in now, it'll be too difficult and perhaps even detrimental to the community that you're leaving.

When I think about it, not even in terms of leaving for missions, but simply, leaving London after university, I'm afraid. I feel like I've already become such a part of LCAC that, I don't know how I would feel if I left. I think of the HYPE kids and wonder, how often would I come back to visit? If I lead a life in Toronto, how much time will I be able to dedicate to keeping in touch with the people I met who live in London? How many of them will I still be communicating with when I'm 25? 35? 40?

I don't want to leave London.
I don't need more reasons to stay.

by "not-so-emo" i mean, pretend you didn't hear that

Cite: LJ Post @ Saturday, October 20, 2007
Reason: Different date, same message

you know you're emo when...

this is my 3rd blog entry tonight.

i've already written the many reasons why i'm not sleeping, in complete and utter vagueness that no one will be able to interpret unless i've already filled them in on it before.
and although i've had many half-conversations about the various, a different topic to each person, i still am not at peace.
i know the answer is probably to get off this stupid piece of technology and sit myself on my bed and give some time to give up my burdens before i lay my head on my pillow and call it a night,
yet i cannot bring myself to.

i almost want to give up everything.
i want to unidentify with all the things i've been taught these past 2 years.
i want to go back to the times when my pain would generate beautiful poems and lyrics.
i want to be able to express my feelings to the unknown world of online stalkers and creeps.

and even though it sounds amazingly stupid,
i can't help but think that it was so much easier to be naive
knowledge is a dangerous thing

i sit here and all i can think is:
i want somebody to care. why won't anybody notice that i make these not-so-subtle signs? if you do, why don't you act on it? it only makes it worse.
i feel like i'm so alone, and forgotten about. and yet the only person i can turn to, is the only person i'm avoiding.
it's almost like i don't want to face the truth, and rather wallow in my self-pity. cuz nobody else will.

several years ago, if you came to be and showed me you cared
i probably would've given my whole self to you
poured my heart and soul out to you, let you know every dirty, little secret, the inner workings of my mind
and by 'several years ago', i mean 'tonight'

I've shared so many times, to so many people. I have nothing left to share.
I don't want to talk about it, yet it seems to be the only thing I can.
Recycle these thoughts, regurgitate them.
Missed it the first time? Don't worry you'll hear it again.

I'm waiting. I'm waiting.
I'm waiting. Still waiting.
Think. Sort. Patience. Analyze. Remember. Patience.
I'm waiting.

the meaning of fellowship

acf sports is about building trust and a relationship between the members of the team.
it is not about winning.


i realize that despite my competitive nature, should i make an acf volleyball team again next semester, it will include whoever wants to play. i will not recruit selectively and discretely. otherwise, i will not put acf's name on the line.

only in the movies

i feel burned-almost.
more like "not wanting to do it-giving "- unless that's the same thing.

it seems like, i don't know what i want.
i don't know what i want to do next year,
i don't know what i want to do in life,
and thus i don't know what i want to do in school.

everybody talks about how they "have no future", because "what can you really do with a science degree?" cuz those things aren't in demand, and "what can you ever do with a social science degree?" it's agreed that you're pretty much screwed unless you're in nursing or BMOS. but about two days ago, i realized that i ACTUALLY have no future.
discussions with a house mate about how we have no courses next year to follow up any of the courses we're taking this year made us realize that we're basically taking up a spot in university that could be used more productively by someone else who knows what they want.

on Monday, my coworker said something that made me think, "you always seem like you don't enjoy being here." truth is, i don't. i don't want to end up like him, working 9-5 everyday at a fast food joint on campus. this is only a part-time thing to pay off rent, till i find a better, more fulfilling job. made me realize that working several low-paying, odd jobs is only glamorous in the movies.


and the things i want, i cannot have.
not yet, anyway.

i was talking to Tim Chan tonight. it was a good talk. first time we've talked in a while. first time i've seen him for more than several glances at ACF in a VERY long time. Tim Chan makes me happy. in the shower this thought came to mind: it's like he's the perfect guy - he says/does the right thing at the right time, and just makes me smile =) (not saying that he is, just commenting).
we talked about going to China this coming summer. taking some courses, watching the Olympics, and perhaps minoring in Chinese. we talked about the relatively near future, and it brought my hopes up. Tiff joined in on the conversation a little later on. talked about wanting to exchange to France, reminded me of how i wanted to exchange to Australia. It would be cool. But what would we do about our rooms? What about ACF, do we just leave that behind? so many things to think about. a lot less time. applications due January. apparently 4 long essay questions. i need to think about how serious i am. then i need to go look for reference letters and any other required pieces of paper. le sigh.

then there's this other thing. this stupid thought that has possessed my mind for the past month or so. and it's slowly killing me from the inside out. it's been something that has come in and out over the past year. was able to deal with it for the most part. by talking to one person about it. haven't talked to this person about it this year. chose to talk to someone else. cuz they approached me first. i lack initiative. sometimes i feel like i'm just chickening out. i blame it on "so many things to deal with this year" and hope that people will buy it. i really want to have this done and over with so i won't have to think about it anymore. but i'm so Fricken scared.

also. i have been so antisocial this year. i need to get out of the ACF bubble and build back the half-friendships i held last year. "we miss you," they say, "i haven't seen you in forever. Where have you been?" Where have I been? I'm really not as busy as I say i am. am I just lying to everybody for the sake of not having to explain why i'm lying to myself? why does it feel like i'm running backwards? i've made so many wrong turns i can barely see the light. or so i almost want to think. sometimes being completely lost is a lot easier than being blindfolded but still having a general idea of where you are. i don't want to think about it. i just want it to be one way or the other.

i gotta stop fighting.

the importance of friendship

as the only resident of House 8
and Hiram.. somewhere
and Rebecca and Joe galavanting in Toronto
and the rest of ACF... still in Toronto...

I have only left my room today for _ reasons
washroom. food. food. food. washroom. food.

House 8: Rule #1

Just to clarify on the No Boy Stay Over rule:

The reason why it's being enforced is because at least 3 of us in the house hold leadership roles in ACF this coming school year and it is encouraged that those in leadership positions also try their best to be "good role models". Either way, leaders are role models, so whatever impression we make, they will be watching.

Based on conversations that I have had with upper years and last year's exec, some people hold high expectations for those in leadership positions, simply because SOMEBODY is always looking up to you. An example of high expectation would be that exec at WLU take an oath to not drink or club for the term they serve on exec. This is to prevent any consequences from "iffy" behaviour from happening. In the same sense, House 8 will take the extreme of not having anyone of the opposite gender sleeping over in our house "to prevent things unseen", despite the unlikelihood. As written in 1 Corinthians 8:9 (NLT) Do not cause a brother or sister with a weaker conscience to stumble. So basically we're all accountable for each other's actions and well-being, both emotional and physical.


We talked about how we wanted House 8 to be a safe-haven, a place to find yourself, a home. So let us watch out for our younger sisters by taking the first step in watching our own actions. As leaders and as upper years in the fellowship, we should strive to be better role models and to be an inspiration to our brothers and sisters, as the upper years did for us.

a months long retreat

Several things to acknowledge God for:
1. something that has escaped my mind
2. Asking my Grandfather the meaning of my Chinese name
3. Learning to love my family and treat them better

Promises to God

- confession to a friend
- joint baptism
- forgiveness of "betrayal"

3/3. so far so good.

Campus Challenge 2007 Messages by Tom Lin

Friday, May 18, 2007

“Homecoming”; Luke 15:11-24

Son’s Discoveries:

1. Cannot live independently
1. In need:

i. Clothes

ii. Friends

iii. Housing

2. alone:
1. no love
2. **sooner or later the “distant country” disappoints
3. realizes he has a home:
1. v. 17
2. can go back to his Father’s house

Father’s Extravagant Response:

- “welcome home” hugs + affection

- saves his son from Quetsatsah Ceremony (punishment for son who lost inheritance à cut off from his people, never speak to him again à family has lost faith/face

o extravagant love from father à Forgiveness

- gives gifts + party

o sandals à not a servant but a son; only free men wear sandals

o robeà distinction; riches & wealth

o ring à authority

Saturday, May 19, 2007

“Great Expectations”; Luke 15:25-32

“Eldest Child” Disease

1. High Expectations
1. “maybe it’s better to not be the best” – Josh, Searching for Bobby Fischer
2. See God as a SLAVE DRIVER
3. Debtor’s Mentality (“don’t treat me”)
1. Owing Jesus back nullifies grace because it is no longer free

How will you finish the story?

- Join the party!

- Be real and ask for a party!

- Pray: “Abba, Father, I belong to you…”

“Leaving our Asian Grails”; Mark 10:17-22

1. Academic Idolatry
2. Career Identity
3. Money & Possessions
4. Relationships

àgo, sell, leave

- v. 23-25

- v. 29-30

Sunday, May 20, 2007

“Campus Mission”; Luke 10: 25-37

àMissions has been lost, each church has become a club

Becoming Life-Saving Fellowships

1. See what the Samaritan sees
2. Come Near (go towards) v.34
3. Love Extravagantly With Resources (Time; v. 33-35)
4. Bring Students to a Place of Healing

The purpose of Christian community must be focused on its life-saving purpose.

“Risk-taking”; Luke 19:12-27

Doing Risky Business with…

1. Our Opportunity to be Students
2. Our money à give away free stuff à investing in Kingdome business/risks
3. Our Social Networks

What prevents us from Risk-taking?

- Our Fears à “Fear not.” 366 times in Bible

- Our False conception of resources ** Schindler’s list à could have taken more risks

don't get me wrong, hun, those feelings are gone

so. i've decided to get baptized. May 27, 2007. so has he. the funny/creepy/unusually cool thing is:
over a year ago, we made a promise/agreement/suggestion that we would get baptized together after our 18th birthdays. when i say "i promise" i mean it. it's the only time that you know for sure i'm not lying. and we never spoke about it again. until April 24, 2007.

as of today:
- we're both getting baptized on May 27, 2007
- we're both 18

This first year at Western has definitely been a blessed experience. It has led to my decision to become baptized and you are all invited.

Mississauga Chinese Baptist Church
10am
May 27, 2007

Any other details will be on Facebook, or emailed to you.

Friday night, I raised my hand. Saturday, I cried. Sunday, a tangle of thoughts. Monday, I woke up realizing I was in love and read a post about the past. Thoughts about baptism still floating through my head, a decision regarding working with kids, what to do with my life, academic future, wants and needs - mine and His.

Walking out of UC today, I was hit with the feeling that I finally knew the feeling of what it meant to be in love with God. I love feeling this way, and I Want it to last from now until He calls me home.

1) Last night I talked to Janine, after going to prayer meeting, after eating dinner with Kchow, after deciding it was too late to go to KCF.

I told her that I was really, really frustrated about school. Because I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing with my education. Because I think that right now in general Social Science, I have absolutely no future, after attending last week's career fair and finding that everything was directed towards Engineering, Business and Nursing students.

I don't know for sure what I want to do with my life, I give answers for the sake of answering the question. I have no motivation in anything I am doing now, even though I know my future depends on my effort now. I can't seem to find what my passion is, I don't know which path I am supposed to follow. I can't seem to figure out my future, I know I'm not supposed to, but I have no peace of mind.

_1/2) Monday's Women Cell: We talked about having a "quiet and gentle spirit". At the time, I didn't think I related to many of the issues that the girls talked about. Right now, all I know is that my spirit is restless; I'm anxious that ITR is due Feb 23 and I have no idea what my future has in store.

Sometimes the restlessness gets to the point where all I want to do is just scream out my frustration and feel it leave me. Last night I sat in Janine's closet. It was really peaceful in there. It reminded me of being emo.

2) During yesterday's prayer meeting, Yun Ping prayed something that really made me sit up straight and open my eyes really quickly, and maybe even freak out a little bit. It made me realize that I still haven't fully accepted what will happen to me after I die. That although I can say that this body is temporary and that it is certain that we will have better lives in Heaven, I am still scared beyond anything about the thought that I will not be able to have thought once this life ends. I will not be able to be conscious of the fact that I am dead. I am okay with being a spirit and watching over my funeral procession, or even looking over my grave and knowing that my lifeless body lays in the ground beneath me. I cannot grasp peacefully being buried in the ground and not knowing that I am there, that I can't feel what it's like, that I will just... be... another empty shell in the ground. Why does it bother me so much? Why is it that I've struggled with this ever since I was little, and sometimes I still can't sleep if I think about it at night. This is the reason why I never sleep on my back, because it reminds me that one day I will be lying in a coffin and never leave it, and not know that I am there. I am a person that needs to know things... and if I don't know that I am dead, then WTFWTFWTF!!!!!

a "holy" conversation

today i went to talk to Pastor Dale Mackness as scheduled.
it was alright. mainly talked about myself, my family, my history.
then he asked me if i was 100% Christian, and I asked him what he meant. He said, "Are you 100% sure that you will go to heaven?" and I had to think. I told him about what my youth pastor said "that nobody but God can be 100% sure". Then Pastor Dale said that that wasn't true. Then I remember something I had read in How Good is Good Enough? by Andy Stanley:

Good people don't go to heaven. Forgiven people go to heaven.

God sees your sin as a debt you can't pay back. The example given in the book is when a two-year old scratches up her father's car, he has to decide what to do. Does he rant and rave about how much trouble and money it's going to cost to fix his car? Does he make her pay for the damages? None of it would make sense to the two- year old. It's all beyond her comprehension, and it wouldn't be possible for her to pay her father two- or three hundred dollars to fix the paint anyway. In the same sense, us trying to pay back God would be like the two-year old promising to clean up her room. It's a nice gesture, but the car still isn't fixed.



"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23
"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me" John 14:6

define nostalgia

"i miss who you were, but i don't miss you"

i read that on my friend's "personal message" sometime last week. i find that to be a really depressing thought. however, i can see so much sense into it, and i'm almost afraid to agree that i feel the same way. there are way too many times when i think about certain people back home, and about the amazing times we had only last year. and everytime i go home, i'm excited at the thought of being with them again. but time and time again, i am disappointed. i realize how much they've changed, how much i've changed, how things aren't the same anymore. how they're different, almost awkward beyond comprehension. i hate for it to be this way, so i should change it. that's the logical solution, but i'm always thinking, it has to be a two-way thing. if i'm the only one working towards it, it's not going very far too fast. it makes me really sad. thinking about home makes me sad. it makes me miss the happy days. this christmas break, i learned to appreciate my family more. i chose to spend time at home or going out with them, instead of going out with my friends. because i always felt that i'd have to put up some sort of front. whether it be at church, or with kids from high school that i normally didn't talk to too often. it felt weird. this isn't how things were before. resorting to msn for conversations, because face-to-face becomes impersonal, general conversations where i'm not invited to participate. i'm thinking of running away again. but that's merely procrastination. i need to face them, i need to face myself. i ran away once, and i found it to be the most amazing experience, but even now i'm starting to find the same flaws i found back home. i don't want to ruin things for myself. it's all too psychological. where is my faith in God? why am i being so material?

Forgive me, Lord, for I haven't given nearly enough time to you. I spend too much time dwelling on the past, neither taking action or putting into plan. Simply moping and letting it affect my present, and in turn future. I want to change. I want to be the person I was in grade 8, with self-confidence and a sureness of who I was and my place in society. I want to be the person I was in grade 9, when I was independent and made it my goal to meet new people and make new friends, and really enjoyed their company. I want to be the person I was in gr 11 when You introduced me to her and through her You showed me You. When I was so eager to seek You, and I looked up to her for direction and I was in turn filled with inspiration. You broke me down, and I had to rebuild myself to make me stronger. I want to be the person I was in grade 12 when I got over my fear of the grade nines disliking me, and ending up forming the best relationships I'd ever had. I want to be the person You made me to be. The person who loves others no matter how much it hurts, because I know that through You everything will work according to Your plan, and things will be better than anyone could possibly imagine. I want to give so much, and keep giving and giving, a never-ending stream of Love just overflowing. Pouring out to the brothers and sisters of the world. I want to be made vulnerable - Oh, Lord, break me down. I want to need You more than anything else there ever was and is and is to come. I love You, Lord, and I want You to make me need You.

early beginnings

so i have it set that i begin every day at 830 or 930. so far i've woken up really early (in comparison to when i woke up relative to class start time last semester) and gotten to each morning class on time or early.
last night at frosh cell, abe talked about early starts (830s) and how it made him feel good about having more time during the day to spend time with God. it was inspiring, because i felt that i am given a similar opportunity, having 1 or 2 hours breaks between my 1st and 2nd class on 4/5 days.
although these early starts are really refreshing, and make me feel a lot more productive than i was during the Christmas break, waking up so early everyday is really tiring. i've noticed that i get a wave of tiredness around 1030 and again around 5pm.
on monday i slept at 11pm, tuesday 1230 and yesterday 230. i'm sleeping less and less each day, and the 7-8 hours definitely feels like it's not enough. but i think it's something i'm going to have to get used to. because i really like how i have so much more Day, and so many more opportunities to do something. This semester so far, I have felt more productive than all of last semester, even though I haven't started doing any school work yet. (I don't know where to start for my psych project).

mm, I think I'll head over to Taylor now and hope for an ACF party =P

please please please
can i get hired at masonville?
or a food place downtown?

status report: define beautiful

so i've been wandering around in public without my hat for a large majority of my time since coming home. i'm still struggling with accepting it.

i know i said i had little to no problem initially (this being the friday before the event, and prior to). as it was happening i had no issues either. i had no problems at any ACF events, i was quite comfortable. but i had difficulty with anybody outside of ACF, because that would mean that I would have to explain. and even explaining with ACF, i realized, I really didn't have a good reason as to why i had agreed to it. i know i said it was because i agreed with Enoch and his theory/explanation... but to be honest, i wasn't 100% and i knew that wasn't the reason why i did it. to be truthful, even now i'm not sure why i agreed to it.

i've given several different stories. "my small group leader's radical idea, " "i was bored," "decided to try something new". Then last Sunday, as i was by the couches outside the sanctuary, my friend asked me why i did it and i shrugged. i thought hard about it, as i do everytime someone asks me. i realize that i try to come up with an answer that suits the person, so that they will not ask further questions, but i know that doesn't really answer the question. and it really doesn't matter to them, cuz they just want an answer, but i need to know. i mean.. why DID i do it?

so here's my new brilliant theory as to why i did it. it's a test of confidence. it's learning to accept myself for who i am on the inside. working so that people know me for the things i do, the things i say, the thoughts that brought upon the actions... the things that lie beyond what they can see with the naked eye.

so far, i haven't seen many people who live back here. and when i do, i usually have my hat on. there have been times where i decided not to. to see how they would react and for the most part people had no reaction, or very positives ones. for example: Sandra. After an initial shock ("OH MY! IS THAT WHY YOU WORE THAT HAT LAST WEEK?!"), she began to comment on how she thought it suited me, how brave to do it, and all that jazz. similar comments from my family. family friends however, think it's ridiculous. of course they would never say it to my face. they just whisper very loudly about it to each other as i sit in front of them at new year's eve dinner. so subtle.

i'm getting really tired of pretending not to notice people's reactions. i'm tired of hearing the same things over and over again, whether it be praise or complaint. i realize that living outside of the comforts of conformity hurts just as much as being a nobody. i know that i shouldn't pretend i don't hear things, or that i don't see things, or continue to be a naive who knows nothing of any going ons... i should probably speak up, let them know to talk to me if they have something to say... but really, i don't want to hear what they have to say anyway. so i continue to endure this in silence. this and everything else that goes with an university, teenage life.

love me for who i am, love me for who i can be