define nostalgia

"i miss who you were, but i don't miss you"

i read that on my friend's "personal message" sometime last week. i find that to be a really depressing thought. however, i can see so much sense into it, and i'm almost afraid to agree that i feel the same way. there are way too many times when i think about certain people back home, and about the amazing times we had only last year. and everytime i go home, i'm excited at the thought of being with them again. but time and time again, i am disappointed. i realize how much they've changed, how much i've changed, how things aren't the same anymore. how they're different, almost awkward beyond comprehension. i hate for it to be this way, so i should change it. that's the logical solution, but i'm always thinking, it has to be a two-way thing. if i'm the only one working towards it, it's not going very far too fast. it makes me really sad. thinking about home makes me sad. it makes me miss the happy days. this christmas break, i learned to appreciate my family more. i chose to spend time at home or going out with them, instead of going out with my friends. because i always felt that i'd have to put up some sort of front. whether it be at church, or with kids from high school that i normally didn't talk to too often. it felt weird. this isn't how things were before. resorting to msn for conversations, because face-to-face becomes impersonal, general conversations where i'm not invited to participate. i'm thinking of running away again. but that's merely procrastination. i need to face them, i need to face myself. i ran away once, and i found it to be the most amazing experience, but even now i'm starting to find the same flaws i found back home. i don't want to ruin things for myself. it's all too psychological. where is my faith in God? why am i being so material?

Forgive me, Lord, for I haven't given nearly enough time to you. I spend too much time dwelling on the past, neither taking action or putting into plan. Simply moping and letting it affect my present, and in turn future. I want to change. I want to be the person I was in grade 8, with self-confidence and a sureness of who I was and my place in society. I want to be the person I was in grade 9, when I was independent and made it my goal to meet new people and make new friends, and really enjoyed their company. I want to be the person I was in gr 11 when You introduced me to her and through her You showed me You. When I was so eager to seek You, and I looked up to her for direction and I was in turn filled with inspiration. You broke me down, and I had to rebuild myself to make me stronger. I want to be the person I was in grade 12 when I got over my fear of the grade nines disliking me, and ending up forming the best relationships I'd ever had. I want to be the person You made me to be. The person who loves others no matter how much it hurts, because I know that through You everything will work according to Your plan, and things will be better than anyone could possibly imagine. I want to give so much, and keep giving and giving, a never-ending stream of Love just overflowing. Pouring out to the brothers and sisters of the world. I want to be made vulnerable - Oh, Lord, break me down. I want to need You more than anything else there ever was and is and is to come. I love You, Lord, and I want You to make me need You.