status report: define beautiful

so i've been wandering around in public without my hat for a large majority of my time since coming home. i'm still struggling with accepting it.

i know i said i had little to no problem initially (this being the friday before the event, and prior to). as it was happening i had no issues either. i had no problems at any ACF events, i was quite comfortable. but i had difficulty with anybody outside of ACF, because that would mean that I would have to explain. and even explaining with ACF, i realized, I really didn't have a good reason as to why i had agreed to it. i know i said it was because i agreed with Enoch and his theory/explanation... but to be honest, i wasn't 100% and i knew that wasn't the reason why i did it. to be truthful, even now i'm not sure why i agreed to it.

i've given several different stories. "my small group leader's radical idea, " "i was bored," "decided to try something new". Then last Sunday, as i was by the couches outside the sanctuary, my friend asked me why i did it and i shrugged. i thought hard about it, as i do everytime someone asks me. i realize that i try to come up with an answer that suits the person, so that they will not ask further questions, but i know that doesn't really answer the question. and it really doesn't matter to them, cuz they just want an answer, but i need to know. i mean.. why DID i do it?

so here's my new brilliant theory as to why i did it. it's a test of confidence. it's learning to accept myself for who i am on the inside. working so that people know me for the things i do, the things i say, the thoughts that brought upon the actions... the things that lie beyond what they can see with the naked eye.

so far, i haven't seen many people who live back here. and when i do, i usually have my hat on. there have been times where i decided not to. to see how they would react and for the most part people had no reaction, or very positives ones. for example: Sandra. After an initial shock ("OH MY! IS THAT WHY YOU WORE THAT HAT LAST WEEK?!"), she began to comment on how she thought it suited me, how brave to do it, and all that jazz. similar comments from my family. family friends however, think it's ridiculous. of course they would never say it to my face. they just whisper very loudly about it to each other as i sit in front of them at new year's eve dinner. so subtle.

i'm getting really tired of pretending not to notice people's reactions. i'm tired of hearing the same things over and over again, whether it be praise or complaint. i realize that living outside of the comforts of conformity hurts just as much as being a nobody. i know that i shouldn't pretend i don't hear things, or that i don't see things, or continue to be a naive who knows nothing of any going ons... i should probably speak up, let them know to talk to me if they have something to say... but really, i don't want to hear what they have to say anyway. so i continue to endure this in silence. this and everything else that goes with an university, teenage life.

love me for who i am, love me for who i can be