hearts melt

memories at #4

"i'm never going to get a girlfriend because i'm too sarcastic, and you're never going to get a boyfriend cuz you're too abusive."
"oh my gosh. abe is gay. he just bit my ear."
"let's just close his door and lock it... hey did i show you this trick?"
"STOP FLIRTING!"
"no. you ARE depressed. you feel like a failure ALL the time. i initiated the conflict"
"do you even KNOW the meaning of consummation? go look it up RIGHT NOW. GO! NOW!"
"Simon, you are a BIG NERD!"
"hi :)"

I've realized how materialistic I've become.

I remember when I came to the phase where I never made a Christmas list, and never reminded people of my birthday so that I would never be asking for something material. My reasoning was because materialism is temporary, and I was trying to move away from that. Result: Nobody knows my birthday and minimum amount of presents.

Recently, I've realized that I have become a materialist not in a 'physical gift' sense, but in a 'proof of belonging' type sense. I have developed an obsession with needing somebody to comment on my blog entries, or writing a note on my facebook. Pathetic, yes. This has resulted in having over 4 different blogs with 4 different sites, several different accounts directed towards different groups of people. Yet each and every time, when I post, and if I do not receive a comment, as proof that somebody bothers to read what I've written, a little part of me dies. Even though I know I have friends that read my LJ and my xanga, it hurts me when they don't post a comment. They will have conversations with me about my posts, but without a comment on the journal itself, I have no proof that people care enough to read my entries. I have realized that I am still in need of proving to others that I matter, and that I belong somewhere. I have been searching for this proof, through comments, immaterial in any other way, but online. If the server were to shut down, everything would be gone. The consequence of going electronic.

and yet I'm still doing it right now.

Last night I talked to Abe. Something about not wanting to go to church today. He said that I should go because...
...it's not good to skip church. And a whole bunch of other reasons.

At the last minute I decided to go to GTA. It gave me time to catch up on some sleep, and still go to church, and continue my church-hopping. I take the transit according to PS 511's instructions, and I arrive at 1115am. As I'm walking towards the door, I see Christina who has just gotten off the bus from Alumni. So I'm not so alone anymore. As service is about to start, upper year ACFers walk in. There's worship, announcement, more worship, drama, sermon.

Talking to Abe last night, several things. Reasons for not wanting to go, and overall feeling of unsatisfaction, and motivation to keep going. Proof of God: He answers in good time. Very good time. And He reminds us constantly (Something I've learned repeatedly, yet constantly ignore.)

Today's service was definitely different from what I expected, simply because I expected it to be something similar to what happens at most other churches I've been to. Although a little awkwarded in the beginning, and unsure if I was feeling it or acting it, I try to give it my heart. Try to break down the walls that I've been building for some purpose beyond me at the moment.

Sermon notes are fill-in-the-blank, never had that before, but good for paying attention and taking notes. I liked this morning's speaker, it was close, personal and not overlydramatic nor boring. Several things I picked up of importance:

• If you are filled with the spirit but there is no outflow, it will die.
• In order to follow, you must move. If He is moving and you are not, how far away is He from you? He's not going to stop and wait for you.
• In OT times, devotion, doing whatever God called you to, meant death. Devotion= going all the way. Comparatively, do we, today, even come close to understanding devotion?
• If we cannot have communion with each other, we cannot have communion with God.
• If we don't plant or water, there can't be a harvest - there is nothing growing to harvest.
• The Key to Living in the Spirit is having the mind of Christ. Being and doing come from the way we think, from what controls our minds. WWJD would be irrelevant because we would already be doing it.

These things I (re)learned today. Some of them answering things Abe and I talked about last night. Slight inspiration, reminds me of what Abe told me last night. I guess it's a conformation of sorts. I should probably start the action now. Take initiative. I hope I already did before I realized it, about a week ago when I agreed to be Gavin's actor.

Working with HKC for TownWest Western Finals is quite frustrating. Two weeks after initial period of "writing the script" I still haven't gotten it, and yet I need to "know it inside out" for tomorrow's rehearsal. This is so much fun. "Working with" this one particular person drives me insane. I'm trying so hard to not hate her and be nice and considerate and everything, but it's really really difficult. Because it feels like such a lie. I know I would much rather not have to have anything to do with her, but because I have to work with her until Friday (and possibly for the rest of the year) I'm going to have to learn to love her.

I remember a similar (yet quite different situation) with someone from ACF. There was just something about this person that I could not stand. Maybe it was the way that they presented themselves, the way they expressed their thoughts, and although I'm sure it was with best intentions, it always came across as "I am knowledgeable in all, I am doing you a favour by telling you about it. Listen to me because I am important because I know things that you don't." For the longest time, this bugged me, and as a result, I also came up with other "reasons" to dislike this person. The person's physical presentation, little habits, anything. I talked to several people about it, just to "let it out" so that it wouldn't be something that built up inside, because that's never good. Most of the people I talked to agreed with me, but the thing that got to me was: I knew I shouldn't be acting the way I was towards this person. I wasn't intentionally trying to be mean to this person, but I was aware that whenever I had to talk directed to them my tone would change and so would my entire attitude. I wasn't sure if other people could tell, but I thought they could, and I didn't want to keep going on like this for the rest of the year. So I made a conscious effort to try harder to be nice to this person, talk to them more, give them another chance to redeem themselves in my eyes. This past Sunday, I realized that I was successful, because as I was talking to this person, I realized that I did not feel the dislike within me that I felt all of retreat weekend. Kudos to God for working within me, despite my negligence.

Back to paragraph 1, HKC isn't all bad. Today we had a Promotions Executive meeting and we ended off with "getting to know each other" games. The name game, and Chubby Bunny. Through this, I'm not sure if I learned anything but it was definitely a good reminder to me as to why I joined HKC exec. Another point to God.

Thirdly (although this happened first), last night I was complaining to several people (one of them being Abe) about how I had to be on campus from 1030am to 730pm today with no breaks in between. About half an hour after I said that, I got an email from my VP saying that booth was cancelled for today (which freed up a lunch time). Point to God. In this time, I was able to come back to res where I ended up meeting Chris Luk in the caf and we had pretty good conversation. Another point to God. And TownWest Rehearsal Part 2 ended up 45 minutes early, which allowed me to come home early, take a shower, and write this blog before I head down to 318 to watch America's Next Top Model. Which reminds me I'm late cuz my suitemate is watching it with her boyfriend right now. More later, gotta run.


(edit - 126am)
so something i learned is that God will give me what i need. anything unnecessary is simply that - unnecessary. I don't need it, so it's okay if i don't get it. for example, #1 my motivation for going to the first HKC general meeting was hoping to win of the many prizes they were offering. i had 4 raffle tickets so i figured i had pretty good chance. not even close. however i did get to meet Nick and actually talk to him this time. end result: no material prize, but gained a (potentially) awesome (nonabusive) friendship. #2 a certain Thursday, CSA is holding its first general meeting. i didn't make the exec, thus have no more reason of going that i did before. I really want to go because it's the first general meeting, but this particular Thursday is also the very last official Frosh Cell of the year. and I love Frosh Cell, I could never give up Frosh cell for something else. (maybe a little extreme, but i love frosh cell.) In the end, I go to frosh cell, which i do not regret at all. turns out CSA's meeting sucked, while I had an absolute f-ing blast at Frosh Cell. did i tell you how much i love frosh cell? end result: miss out on CSA's first general meeting, in return I walk into Enoch's fist a couple of times and attempt to smackdown Linna while also trying to jam my foot up Enoch's crotch. I LOVE my Small Group leaders. hahaha. heart


by the way, i love typing on my laptop. it makes me feel so smart and professional. the sound of the keys clacking, the feel of the keys lowering themselves beneath the pressure of your fingertips, the smoothness, the flow. oh, what love.

Post 1 - Random

This is too complicated. I can't even find ACF Space Monkeys. blahblahblah. I have 2 blogs already.