Saturday, May 24, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
beautiful. absolutely, gorgeous.
these past few weeks have been absolutely incredible. i mean, i've got the best job in the world, and things could only be getting better. i do absolutely nothing at work, and i get paid pretty well to do quite that. the hours are great, a little unpredictable, but who doesn't like variety? it keeps me on my feet. the boss has been ever so trusting, leaves me alone for long periods of time to deal with things on my own. doesn't feel the need to be constantly looking over my shoulder. yay, freedom~!
my days off are pretty chill, i get to do whatever i want, all day. get to spend some quality time with myself. it's a good change from work. with all that interacting with customers, who needs to talk to peers. that would be overstimulation, no? weather's been pretty cooperative too. that's cool. i guess "they" were right when they said 'balance is key'.
life's a breeze, everything is fitting into place. this is the life.
you must be fucking kidding me.
these past few months have been absolutely horrible. every day is yet another day of added stress. i have constraints to when i can do my work, and how i can do my work. yet if i don't get it all done by a certain time, i have to stay later to finish it. if i did it my own way, things would get done so much quicker. it would be like today, where all the work was done, and i was allowed to get off work 15 minutes early. i know 15 minutes doesn't seem like much but i was VERY grateful. i absolutely detest what i am doing, and would much rather not be doing it. every day, i dread waking up, i dread getting out of bed, and i force myself to do the responsible thing and go to work instead of making up lame excuses. i force myself to make the money i need to continue to live here. in the past few months, i'm sure i've lost weight. i'm not sure exactly because i don't own a scale, but my clothes are getting looser and when i buy clothes they're getting smaller. i am absolutely miserable. when i finally get to work, i am hit by a wall of overwhelming negativity. this morning, i wanted to cry the moment i stepped out of my car. i spent the first 20 minutes of work, making excuses to go the washroom simply so i wouldn't burst into tears at the front desk. i spent the next half hour coaching myself to speak clearly and cheerfully while trying to keep the tears at bay. i knew that if they fell, i would have no logical explanation for them except for "i hate my job." yet, i cannot say these words to my employers because i am in need of an income to feed the rental payments, to pay for the gas that allows me to drive to this dread place of misery, and to stock up the fridge with food that i barely have time to eat. i spend each and every day at work, starving, counting the hours until i finish. counting the hours until i can go home, shower, and eat. yet by the time i go home, i'm so exhausted that i barely change out of my uniform before i pass out. this has been going on for the past several months, and it can only get worse. i have been more prone to sickness since i started working here, i have been more stressed out than i have ever been for school, and i am in the worst spirits i have ever been in since my initial deterioration in health back in 2006. ever since i started working here, i haven't been able to find "a joy in my life", i haven't been able to find anything to look forward to. i can only keep lying to myself. the one tangible thing in my life is too inconsistent to rely on, and the one constant i have practically thrown away.
i absolutely hate it.
my days off are pretty chill, i get to do whatever i want, all day. get to spend some quality time with myself. it's a good change from work. with all that interacting with customers, who needs to talk to peers. that would be overstimulation, no? weather's been pretty cooperative too. that's cool. i guess "they" were right when they said 'balance is key'.
life's a breeze, everything is fitting into place. this is the life.
you must be fucking kidding me.
these past few months have been absolutely horrible. every day is yet another day of added stress. i have constraints to when i can do my work, and how i can do my work. yet if i don't get it all done by a certain time, i have to stay later to finish it. if i did it my own way, things would get done so much quicker. it would be like today, where all the work was done, and i was allowed to get off work 15 minutes early. i know 15 minutes doesn't seem like much but i was VERY grateful. i absolutely detest what i am doing, and would much rather not be doing it. every day, i dread waking up, i dread getting out of bed, and i force myself to do the responsible thing and go to work instead of making up lame excuses. i force myself to make the money i need to continue to live here. in the past few months, i'm sure i've lost weight. i'm not sure exactly because i don't own a scale, but my clothes are getting looser and when i buy clothes they're getting smaller. i am absolutely miserable. when i finally get to work, i am hit by a wall of overwhelming negativity. this morning, i wanted to cry the moment i stepped out of my car. i spent the first 20 minutes of work, making excuses to go the washroom simply so i wouldn't burst into tears at the front desk. i spent the next half hour coaching myself to speak clearly and cheerfully while trying to keep the tears at bay. i knew that if they fell, i would have no logical explanation for them except for "i hate my job." yet, i cannot say these words to my employers because i am in need of an income to feed the rental payments, to pay for the gas that allows me to drive to this dread place of misery, and to stock up the fridge with food that i barely have time to eat. i spend each and every day at work, starving, counting the hours until i finish. counting the hours until i can go home, shower, and eat. yet by the time i go home, i'm so exhausted that i barely change out of my uniform before i pass out. this has been going on for the past several months, and it can only get worse. i have been more prone to sickness since i started working here, i have been more stressed out than i have ever been for school, and i am in the worst spirits i have ever been in since my initial deterioration in health back in 2006. ever since i started working here, i haven't been able to find "a joy in my life", i haven't been able to find anything to look forward to. i can only keep lying to myself. the one tangible thing in my life is too inconsistent to rely on, and the one constant i have practically thrown away.
i absolutely hate it.
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