why don't i just absentmindedly run of a cliff and make the world a slightly less whiny and mis-prioritized place.
"forget about this whole job thing. a job isn't the most important thing in the world. there are so many other things in life." more words of encouragement in the growing frustration of sucking at life.
it's been 2 months still school has been out. a month since i quit the mandarin. i enjoy not working 12 hour shifts anymore, but i'm getting bored at home not doing anything. i'm also not keeping up with the whole "work out everyday" thing i said i was going to do. point 1: i don't keep commitments to myself.
so everybody is hiring in sauga. maybe i should come back here. get a job for sure. but honestly, what if i didn't. that would kill me even more. points 2 and 3: i rejected coming back to a place where the market is a lot wider, and hypothetically speaking (like with everything else) rejection from an even bigger market would suck that much more.
but even more honestly. i hate being here. sauga is no longer a place i call home. maybe my house here, but only during the day time. once it is time to sleep, i would really much rather be sleeping in london. summit is my home. every moment i spend knowing that i won't be sleeping in my bed in the basement room, i cry a little inside. everytime i leave london, even for a weekend, it takes me hours to prepare myself mentally on the day of before i can leave. and if i don't i push back tears as i leave on the 401. point 4: I don't think I've ever felt a real sense of belonging until I moved into house 8, and it hurts me to be away from it.
i am a big loser.
i cry about things that don't really matter. i stress over jobs that shouldn't hold that great of a place in my heart. the one job i really wanted, the one i know i would have enjoyed, i have been denied. fine God. i accept. i'm trying to move on. i hold "having a job" too high in my priorities. i need to let that go. point 5: i have it all wrong. i don't know what i want.
point 6: i need to know what i want. i need to know what i enjoy. i need to get something out of life. i need to know what God wants of me. i need to know myself. i need to stop needing.
Friday, July 11, 2008
mood swings
in the midst of a very expensive japanese/thai dinner,
i am hit with an overwhelming sense of
failure.
being aware of what people my age have accomplished
(people I actually know, not those people you hear about on the news)
i really am
unaccomplished.
back in high school, applying for scholarships, everyone thought i'd have no problem
sure my marks weren't as high as some people's, but i had extra curriculars.
but too be honest, i really didn't accomplish anything.
sure i did a lot of activities, but i rarely headed up anything.
didn't have real teacher contacts, just friendlies.
didn't accomplish much outside the school.
didn't have connections in the community.
didn't get any scholarships.
now im just stuck in a negative rut.
i think it's the fact that i've been applying for jobs since december and i haven't made much progress.
rejection after rejection.
better get used to it.
signed with OMMI today, the agent told me to get used to rejection. better be able to take it.
i can take it. it's just really frustrating and hard on the heart.
i know i should be happy, but...
i don't know.
i guess this calls for more reflection time.
dang. i really wanted that archaeology job.
i am hit with an overwhelming sense of
failure.
being aware of what people my age have accomplished
(people I actually know, not those people you hear about on the news)
i really am
unaccomplished.
back in high school, applying for scholarships, everyone thought i'd have no problem
sure my marks weren't as high as some people's, but i had extra curriculars.
but too be honest, i really didn't accomplish anything.
sure i did a lot of activities, but i rarely headed up anything.
didn't have real teacher contacts, just friendlies.
didn't accomplish much outside the school.
didn't have connections in the community.
didn't get any scholarships.
now im just stuck in a negative rut.
i think it's the fact that i've been applying for jobs since december and i haven't made much progress.
rejection after rejection.
better get used to it.
signed with OMMI today, the agent told me to get used to rejection. better be able to take it.
i can take it. it's just really frustrating and hard on the heart.
i know i should be happy, but...
i don't know.
i guess this calls for more reflection time.
dang. i really wanted that archaeology job.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Memories: "Everything"
so I was blowing dry my hair when I caught a glimpse of the note my friend wrote me in regards to the skit we put on for ACF Fall Coffeehouse 2007. I felt that I should watch the video again. So I did.
Watching the skit, I realized that I had forgotten the power of redemption. I had forgotten that even though there are a million and one ways to screw up, God still loves you and Jesus has paid your debt. I had forgotten that we are forgiven for all the ways we've wronged God and for all the sins we have yet to commit. I had forgotten about the glory of God that showers light over His kingdom. Instead, I hid in a corner in shame.
I tried to blend into the crowd, tried to get passed off as another child of the Light. I tried to keep "doing" to re-convince myself, you know, "fake it 'til you make it". I was hoping that going through the motions would remind me of the ways things should be. Then I realized I was being a complete idiot. I need God to help me through the things I can't do. I can't do it all by myself. It's just not possible.
When we let go and let God do what He does, great things happen. When I stressed over making sure the skit went well, I got frustrated, and people got frustrated at me. I turned into a giant prick, and rehearsals were not fun times. When I let go and trusted that God would touch the people He planned to touch at coffeehouse despite the quality of our performance, mountains moved. "Skeptics" who had seen the skit plenty of times came up to us after the performance and said that they had been more moved than the first time they saw the skit.
Another moment of "letting go" was trying to make sure that I did not compare the HYPE's performance of the Everything skit to the one we had performed earlier in the school year. Once again, God revealed Himself.
... now if only I could let go in regards to finding a job -_-"
Watching the skit, I realized that I had forgotten the power of redemption. I had forgotten that even though there are a million and one ways to screw up, God still loves you and Jesus has paid your debt. I had forgotten that we are forgiven for all the ways we've wronged God and for all the sins we have yet to commit. I had forgotten about the glory of God that showers light over His kingdom. Instead, I hid in a corner in shame.
I tried to blend into the crowd, tried to get passed off as another child of the Light. I tried to keep "doing" to re-convince myself, you know, "fake it 'til you make it". I was hoping that going through the motions would remind me of the ways things should be. Then I realized I was being a complete idiot. I need God to help me through the things I can't do. I can't do it all by myself. It's just not possible.
When we let go and let God do what He does, great things happen. When I stressed over making sure the skit went well, I got frustrated, and people got frustrated at me. I turned into a giant prick, and rehearsals were not fun times. When I let go and trusted that God would touch the people He planned to touch at coffeehouse despite the quality of our performance, mountains moved. "Skeptics" who had seen the skit plenty of times came up to us after the performance and said that they had been more moved than the first time they saw the skit.
Another moment of "letting go" was trying to make sure that I did not compare the HYPE's performance of the Everything skit to the one we had performed earlier in the school year. Once again, God revealed Himself.
... now if only I could let go in regards to finding a job -_-"
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