lemming suicides

why don't i just absentmindedly run of a cliff and make the world a slightly less whiny and mis-prioritized place.
"forget about this whole job thing. a job isn't the most important thing in the world. there are so many other things in life." more words of encouragement in the growing frustration of sucking at life.
it's been 2 months still school has been out. a month since i quit the mandarin. i enjoy not working 12 hour shifts anymore, but i'm getting bored at home not doing anything. i'm also not keeping up with the whole "work out everyday" thing i said i was going to do. point 1: i don't keep commitments to myself.
so everybody is hiring in sauga. maybe i should come back here. get a job for sure. but honestly, what if i didn't. that would kill me even more. points 2 and 3: i rejected coming back to a place where the market is a lot wider, and hypothetically speaking (like with everything else) rejection from an even bigger market would suck that much more.
but even more honestly. i hate being here. sauga is no longer a place i call home. maybe my house here, but only during the day time. once it is time to sleep, i would really much rather be sleeping in london. summit is my home. every moment i spend knowing that i won't be sleeping in my bed in the basement room, i cry a little inside. everytime i leave london, even for a weekend, it takes me hours to prepare myself mentally on the day of before i can leave. and if i don't i push back tears as i leave on the 401. point 4: I don't think I've ever felt a real sense of belonging until I moved into house 8, and it hurts me to be away from it.
i am a big loser.
i cry about things that don't really matter. i stress over jobs that shouldn't hold that great of a place in my heart. the one job i really wanted, the one i know i would have enjoyed, i have been denied. fine God. i accept. i'm trying to move on. i hold "having a job" too high in my priorities. i need to let that go. point 5: i have it all wrong. i don't know what i want.
point 6: i need to know what i want. i need to know what i enjoy. i need to get something out of life. i need to know what God wants of me. i need to know myself. i need to stop needing.