rekindle that old flame

Ignite that fire in our hearts.

We see sparks, but we gotta keep rubbing those sticks together till something else catches. We're so close to setting things into motion. If we give up now, we'll never know how big that fire could get. If we keep pushing, we get to see the results of our efforts, if not the full effect.

O, The Days of Old

Tuesday, November 20, 2007. This time last year, there was a lot more adventure, a lot more enthusiasm, a lot more excitement. There was something new at every turn, a surprise waiting around every corner, a story to call our own. Tonight, once again, I come to the realization that things have changed. Drastically. There are so many new things that were not apparent, let alone existent, last year. There are new additions, and the absence of some more established. Things have changed, and we are uncomfortable.

"En amour, nous sommes un contre un. En amitie, nous sommes deux." - Nicolas Hulot. When we come together, we get picky. We take the faults that we've noticed before, and we voice them. Things that may have seemed insignificant become humongous, and it makes me wonder, "How blinded am I by the plank in my eye?"

to live in a flower pot

so reading Tiff's msn name reminded me of the speaker from last week's ACF.

He talked about long-term missions of living in Muslim communities overseas and preaching the Gospel to them. he said it required a certain planning. You spend about 4 years in university, take a year off to travel to "dark place" and gain some knowledge about what trades flourish there, come back find a job in that trade for about 5-10 years, and then apply to the organization to work overseas, by which time, you will be in your 30s. In your 30s, huh? Most people expect to be married and have kids by this time. So how does that work out if you're going to go overseas for years on end, cut off (in a sense) from most of your friends and family?

You've got to live in a flower pot. Live so that you can grow within the pot, but be easily transferred into the garden. You've got to grow, but you can't get too attached. If you let your roots grow too far into the community in which you're in now, it'll be too difficult and perhaps even detrimental to the community that you're leaving.

When I think about it, not even in terms of leaving for missions, but simply, leaving London after university, I'm afraid. I feel like I've already become such a part of LCAC that, I don't know how I would feel if I left. I think of the HYPE kids and wonder, how often would I come back to visit? If I lead a life in Toronto, how much time will I be able to dedicate to keeping in touch with the people I met who live in London? How many of them will I still be communicating with when I'm 25? 35? 40?

I don't want to leave London.
I don't need more reasons to stay.

by "not-so-emo" i mean, pretend you didn't hear that

Cite: LJ Post @ Saturday, October 20, 2007
Reason: Different date, same message

you know you're emo when...

this is my 3rd blog entry tonight.

i've already written the many reasons why i'm not sleeping, in complete and utter vagueness that no one will be able to interpret unless i've already filled them in on it before.
and although i've had many half-conversations about the various, a different topic to each person, i still am not at peace.
i know the answer is probably to get off this stupid piece of technology and sit myself on my bed and give some time to give up my burdens before i lay my head on my pillow and call it a night,
yet i cannot bring myself to.

i almost want to give up everything.
i want to unidentify with all the things i've been taught these past 2 years.
i want to go back to the times when my pain would generate beautiful poems and lyrics.
i want to be able to express my feelings to the unknown world of online stalkers and creeps.

and even though it sounds amazingly stupid,
i can't help but think that it was so much easier to be naive
knowledge is a dangerous thing

i sit here and all i can think is:
i want somebody to care. why won't anybody notice that i make these not-so-subtle signs? if you do, why don't you act on it? it only makes it worse.
i feel like i'm so alone, and forgotten about. and yet the only person i can turn to, is the only person i'm avoiding.
it's almost like i don't want to face the truth, and rather wallow in my self-pity. cuz nobody else will.

several years ago, if you came to be and showed me you cared
i probably would've given my whole self to you
poured my heart and soul out to you, let you know every dirty, little secret, the inner workings of my mind
and by 'several years ago', i mean 'tonight'

I've shared so many times, to so many people. I have nothing left to share.
I don't want to talk about it, yet it seems to be the only thing I can.
Recycle these thoughts, regurgitate them.
Missed it the first time? Don't worry you'll hear it again.

I'm waiting. I'm waiting.
I'm waiting. Still waiting.
Think. Sort. Patience. Analyze. Remember. Patience.
I'm waiting.

the meaning of fellowship

acf sports is about building trust and a relationship between the members of the team.
it is not about winning.


i realize that despite my competitive nature, should i make an acf volleyball team again next semester, it will include whoever wants to play. i will not recruit selectively and discretely. otherwise, i will not put acf's name on the line.