I've realized how materialistic I've become.
I remember when I came to the phase where I never made a Christmas list, and never reminded people of my birthday so that I would never be asking for something material. My reasoning was because materialism is temporary, and I was trying to move away from that. Result: Nobody knows my birthday and minimum amount of presents.
Recently, I've realized that I have become a materialist not in a 'physical gift' sense, but in a 'proof of belonging' type sense. I have developed an obsession with needing somebody to comment on my blog entries, or writing a note on my facebook. Pathetic, yes. This has resulted in having over 4 different blogs with 4 different sites, several different accounts directed towards different groups of people. Yet each and every time, when I post, and if I do not receive a comment, as proof that somebody bothers to read what I've written, a little part of me dies. Even though I know I have friends that read my LJ and my xanga, it hurts me when they don't post a comment. They will have conversations with me about my posts, but without a comment on the journal itself, I have no proof that people care enough to read my entries. I have realized that I am still in need of proving to others that I matter, and that I belong somewhere. I have been searching for this proof, through comments, immaterial in any other way, but online. If the server were to shut down, everything would be gone. The consequence of going electronic.
and yet I'm still doing it right now.
3 comments:
i think u need to take a break from bloggin (my opinion...u r welcome to reject it)
the more u dothis the more trapped u will be
this post almost makes me wonder if TODAY is your birthday??
so.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! (haha or just in case - at least i'm either WAYY early.. or late??)
i think everyone struggles to belong and want attention and just someone to notice that they exist and someone would remember them if they were gone.
but people let you down. and you also need to ask yourself why is it that you blog?
you're a smart cookie, i'm not worried - just don't let blogging replace the "you" in pplz lives; no scope of the interaction and what you put forth in electronic news format could ever encompass or fully describe you, and you shouldn't let it be a measure of you and your relationships either. you are a child of God.
when all is said and done, there's you and God. God loves you. He's always with you, and He's always ready to talk. He may not leave comments on your blog, but I'm sure He's left a mark on your life.
take care and keep on sista ^_^
i'm writing this solely to leave a comment and acknowledge ur entry, u matter to God, and you matter to me.
P.s. shelbs, if u guess, ur always wayyyyyy early for the next birthday either way.
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