born to be

i wasn't meant to be an academic.

lately, i've spent more time hitting the books. i find it really odd how i've actually managed to keep relatively still in one spot and just go through course content, whether it be re-organizing notes for musical theatre, or defining the key terms for forensic science. i know it may not sound like much, but it's probably the most work i've done since midterms. maybe it's because it's exam time, and it's around this time when people realize that they gotta pick up the slack. i remember doing work at midterms, but it was because i need to pass the course, manage a 60%, not because i cared about the course, and not necessarily because i didn't want to flunk - cuz to be honest i didn't really care, or better wording, it didn't worry me much- it was more like i was doing the actions because they were expected, and if i didn't, there wasn't much else to do.

this time around, i've been doing work. although i wasn't eager to prepare for exams when i went home on Sunday, i brought out my forensic science course package the moment i settled down in the train station waiting for the train to arrive. and the entire 3 days i spent at home, i was constantly taking notes for forensic science and musical theatre. that is a lot of fricken work! and i wasn't even forcing myself to do it in the expected very reluctant manner i would normally approach this. rather, i brought my stuff downstairs and set out an area on the floor, with everything spread out and that is where i staked out for the duration of my time at home. other than that one day when i went to square one with my cousin, but even then, i felt guilty that i was at the mall instead of locked up at home studying.

imagine that. feeling guilty for not studying. you would never expect that to come from me, of all people. yet, for some reason, it is an "emotion" i've been experiencing quite often lately. i think it's really odd, like i said before. i have no idea how to explain it. it's like it was a sudden onset, not even gradual. weird, eh?

anyway, back to the first sentence. from being cooped up at home in the living room sprawled out on the floor surrounded by courses packages and papers, to taking over the living room couch in Summit, i have come about another sudden emotion. yesterday, i was feeling extremely guilty for being at Masonville, and it did not help that i ended up buying things, i got home and felt guilty that i was just sitting around, wrapping gifts and NOT breaking out the books. and yet today, coming home from LCAC, I have been lying on this couch and I have glanced at my forensic science several times. yet i cannot bring myself to concentrate long enough to get into study mode. instead, i am experiencing an overwhelming down in the dumps feeling, and i can't get out.

maybe it's anxiety. i realized that i felt super depressed the day before my philosophy exam as well. which kind blew cuz it was my birthday and i was in a very blah mood. very blah. dang. this means two more days of depression. great. now i smell pork chops. i think i'm going to get sick again -_-"