only in the movies

i feel burned-almost.
more like "not wanting to do it-giving "- unless that's the same thing.

it seems like, i don't know what i want.
i don't know what i want to do next year,
i don't know what i want to do in life,
and thus i don't know what i want to do in school.

everybody talks about how they "have no future", because "what can you really do with a science degree?" cuz those things aren't in demand, and "what can you ever do with a social science degree?" it's agreed that you're pretty much screwed unless you're in nursing or BMOS. but about two days ago, i realized that i ACTUALLY have no future.
discussions with a house mate about how we have no courses next year to follow up any of the courses we're taking this year made us realize that we're basically taking up a spot in university that could be used more productively by someone else who knows what they want.

on Monday, my coworker said something that made me think, "you always seem like you don't enjoy being here." truth is, i don't. i don't want to end up like him, working 9-5 everyday at a fast food joint on campus. this is only a part-time thing to pay off rent, till i find a better, more fulfilling job. made me realize that working several low-paying, odd jobs is only glamorous in the movies.


and the things i want, i cannot have.
not yet, anyway.

i was talking to Tim Chan tonight. it was a good talk. first time we've talked in a while. first time i've seen him for more than several glances at ACF in a VERY long time. Tim Chan makes me happy. in the shower this thought came to mind: it's like he's the perfect guy - he says/does the right thing at the right time, and just makes me smile =) (not saying that he is, just commenting).
we talked about going to China this coming summer. taking some courses, watching the Olympics, and perhaps minoring in Chinese. we talked about the relatively near future, and it brought my hopes up. Tiff joined in on the conversation a little later on. talked about wanting to exchange to France, reminded me of how i wanted to exchange to Australia. It would be cool. But what would we do about our rooms? What about ACF, do we just leave that behind? so many things to think about. a lot less time. applications due January. apparently 4 long essay questions. i need to think about how serious i am. then i need to go look for reference letters and any other required pieces of paper. le sigh.

then there's this other thing. this stupid thought that has possessed my mind for the past month or so. and it's slowly killing me from the inside out. it's been something that has come in and out over the past year. was able to deal with it for the most part. by talking to one person about it. haven't talked to this person about it this year. chose to talk to someone else. cuz they approached me first. i lack initiative. sometimes i feel like i'm just chickening out. i blame it on "so many things to deal with this year" and hope that people will buy it. i really want to have this done and over with so i won't have to think about it anymore. but i'm so Fricken scared.

also. i have been so antisocial this year. i need to get out of the ACF bubble and build back the half-friendships i held last year. "we miss you," they say, "i haven't seen you in forever. Where have you been?" Where have I been? I'm really not as busy as I say i am. am I just lying to everybody for the sake of not having to explain why i'm lying to myself? why does it feel like i'm running backwards? i've made so many wrong turns i can barely see the light. or so i almost want to think. sometimes being completely lost is a lot easier than being blindfolded but still having a general idea of where you are. i don't want to think about it. i just want it to be one way or the other.

i gotta stop fighting.