1) Last night I talked to Janine, after going to prayer meeting, after eating dinner with Kchow, after deciding it was too late to go to KCF.

I told her that I was really, really frustrated about school. Because I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing with my education. Because I think that right now in general Social Science, I have absolutely no future, after attending last week's career fair and finding that everything was directed towards Engineering, Business and Nursing students.

I don't know for sure what I want to do with my life, I give answers for the sake of answering the question. I have no motivation in anything I am doing now, even though I know my future depends on my effort now. I can't seem to find what my passion is, I don't know which path I am supposed to follow. I can't seem to figure out my future, I know I'm not supposed to, but I have no peace of mind.

_1/2) Monday's Women Cell: We talked about having a "quiet and gentle spirit". At the time, I didn't think I related to many of the issues that the girls talked about. Right now, all I know is that my spirit is restless; I'm anxious that ITR is due Feb 23 and I have no idea what my future has in store.

Sometimes the restlessness gets to the point where all I want to do is just scream out my frustration and feel it leave me. Last night I sat in Janine's closet. It was really peaceful in there. It reminded me of being emo.

2) During yesterday's prayer meeting, Yun Ping prayed something that really made me sit up straight and open my eyes really quickly, and maybe even freak out a little bit. It made me realize that I still haven't fully accepted what will happen to me after I die. That although I can say that this body is temporary and that it is certain that we will have better lives in Heaven, I am still scared beyond anything about the thought that I will not be able to have thought once this life ends. I will not be able to be conscious of the fact that I am dead. I am okay with being a spirit and watching over my funeral procession, or even looking over my grave and knowing that my lifeless body lays in the ground beneath me. I cannot grasp peacefully being buried in the ground and not knowing that I am there, that I can't feel what it's like, that I will just... be... another empty shell in the ground. Why does it bother me so much? Why is it that I've struggled with this ever since I was little, and sometimes I still can't sleep if I think about it at night. This is the reason why I never sleep on my back, because it reminds me that one day I will be lying in a coffin and never leave it, and not know that I am there. I am a person that needs to know things... and if I don't know that I am dead, then WTFWTFWTF!!!!!