and the winner is...

so i've re-read some of my blog entries from first year.
I realize that I was a much stronger person then. I was much more sure of myself, I knew what was right and I stuck to it. I knew what I had to do, I knew what I was unsure about, and I didn't rush into things. Two years later, I become easily swayed by people's opinions, I care too much about what people think, and trying too hard to compromise and take other people into consideration. Some people may call this development. I think I'm taking an unnecessary detour that I had foreseen years ago and was smart enough to avoid.
People tell me I should think things through. So I do. They also tell me I should seek other's opinion, to get an outside perspective. So I do that too. But usually, they conflict. So they tell me to talk to God and pray about it. So I do that too, but by this time I'm so frustrated and confused, I'm not really listening. So I end up going with what people say, because it's bluntly stated. I come back bruised and they tell me "It's really between you and God. Don't listen to what other people have to say. It's really up to you." So why am I having this conversation with you? I'd rather just dig myself a hole. Gets rid of the frustration, and takes me away from everyone.
this is the reason why I had no friends to begin with. the whole vulnerability factor. i tell certain people it's important, it's vital; and here I am complaining about it. opening myself up for the world to see, meant putting my life in their hands. I know it's not supposed to work that way, but that's what happens when I do that. I need to put my life on hold, just long enough to get back on track.
it's so hard to be anti-social when you have too many friends.